Tuesday, December 22, 2020

In Which my Demi Ass Finds a Woman Attractive

I've been talking a lot about sexuality, or sexual orientation, recently. More than I ever have in the past on this blog. Although, I suppose I never had a reason to, having considered myself exclusively straight for most of my life, aside from the brief period when I first joined the kink community where I received a lot of outside pressure to be bisexual. 

Even though I have discovered the ace spectrum and the demisexual label, I still feel a lot of conflict when entering those spaces, because I am heteroromantic. I always feel a touch of that impostor syndrome, like at any moment, a hoard of rabid rainbows are gonna charge in and throw me out the door. 

But the more I think about my sexuality, the more I start to pick out pieces that seem to deviate from societal norms. I mean, I've been kinky for as long as I've been sexually aware, so I guess I've always deviated from the norm. 

Aside from the bi peer pressure early on, I've never felt any real attraction aesthetic or otherwise towards women. I mean, I can recognize physical beauty, but more in the way one appreciates a nice piece of art. A platonic sort of beauty. Because, when it comes down to it, my aesthetic attraction is fully centered on the masculine. I often say I have a hypermasculinity kink. I like those traditionally masculine characteristics. Beards, height, superior strength, body hair. The social characteristics traditionally attributed to the masculine gender. Protectiveness, dominance, confident strength. It's really hard to describe, because obviously these aren't exclusively masculine traits, but I'm not exactly sure how to describe it.

With that said, it makes sense that I've never been interested in a woman as a potential romantic partner. I enjoy participating in femininity, but it doesn't excite me romantically or sexually. I've never really vibed with most female doms. There is an inherent difference in feminine versus masculine dominance in my mind. I have always found myself put off by more feminine styles of dominance and never really understood why. 

This weekend, I was able to finally binge The Mandalorian, and I found myself intrigued by the character of Cara Dune. I remember initially thinking I liked how...I don't know, sturdy? she looked. She has a very strong build, and it's not something I've seen in many shows. By the end of season two, I'm like, yeah, no, I think she's attractive. Which I can't say is a thought I've really had before about a woman, except maybe Xena back in my "everyone says you're bi" days. 

I looked up the actress, and found out she is a mixed martial artist. Okay, yeah. Yep. That makes sense. I've always had a thing for fighters. I also found out she's apparently a MAGAt and a covidiot, so that's exceptionally disappointing. So I'll have to contain my appreciation to the character and not the actress, but it was strange to have the "they're attractive" thought about a woman when I haven't before.

Of course, here's where the ace brain pops up. I have a complicated relationship with genitalia. Sexually speaking, I'm mildly repulsed by both sets of genitalia. My attraction has never actually been attached to bits. I think at this point, my heteroromantic nature is largely attached to the fact that I find dicks somewhat less repulsive sexually than vulvae. 

Which is odd, because I'm more comfortable looking at random vulvae than penises, but I attribute that mostly to the fact that I personally have a vulva. But when it comes down to it, even though I don't like oral sex in the first place, I am for some reason more willing to have a penis in my mouth than a vulva. 

Basically, sexuality is weird. 

And apparently the character of Cara Dune in Mandalorian fits my rubric for aesthetic attraction. 

What a weird way to turn 30. 

 

Wicked Wednesday

2 comments:

  1. First of all, happy birthday!
    Thank you for sharing your exploration of your sexuality and your thoughts like you do here, as it helps me and others to understand and support better.
    ~ Marie

    ReplyDelete