Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Pain Sluts and Brain Squirrels

One thing I see come up a lot online in regards to kink is the subject of mental illness. Whether it's safe to play with someone who has one, or how BDSM doesn't replace an actual therapist, or how you shouldn't use BDSM like therapy.

I, personally, have OCD with a social phobia and periodic depression. I've had them for all of my post-pubescent life. Due to my brother's disastrous history with the local mental healthcare, I didn't see a psychiatrist until I was in college. It was a shit psychiatrist too. Charged $300 for a 10 minute appointment to promote a therapy I couldn't possibly afford. I finally started getting my meds from a physician, but it wasn't until last year that I found a doctor that finally put me on the right medications.

But, I've been in the lifestyle since 2010. I've been in the scene since early 2011.  And, I have to say, BDSM has done way more for me psychologically than doctors ever have.

Prior to entering the scene, I was an antisocial virgin with acute physical paranoia. I only had a handful of friends and I didn't like anyone touching me who wasn't a close family member. When I was still going to church, my preacher once touched me under the chin and I had to fight real hard not to instinctively take a swing at him. I was terrified of people. Well, I still kinda am sometimes. And, Lord knows, I didn't touch anyone if I could help it.

Discovering masochism and the community was a Godsend, honestly. And it makes sense, because I used to cut as a teenager to help deal with the untreated depression. But that first flogging? Everything just clicked. The nausea subsided, my brain finally stopped screaming at me, the tension headache I'd been nursing just bled away. It was bliss.

I have always been my happiest when I'm getting beaten regularly. Even during my long distance relationship, I had play partners in the scene who took care of my masochistic needs and I was happy. I wasn't depressed. I still had my OCD, but I wasn't laying around staring at the ceiling all day with no energy for anything.

For the last 8 months or so, I've been without regular play, and its been a rough go of it, I assure you. Probably some of my lowest months, well, ever. Major life events have triggered it, sure, but I was without what I now realize was self-medication. The best kind, really. Forcing my brain to produce its own chemicals without drugs.

Now, I am medicated, but even so, the last two parties I've attended, I've gotten a beating. And I noticed, after that first one in a long time, my mood jumped way up. I still wasn't as energetic as I used to be, but things definitely improved. I cleaned out my car for the first time in months. (It was pretty gross in there, by the way). I cleaned my room for the first time since I'd moved. Things were just...better.

This weekend was great. I had a friend stay over, we went to another kink party. I beat her. I got a great beating from someone I'd never played with before. I had an orgasmic piece of chocolate cheesecake yesterday at lunch. I am riding high.

I also started a new medication this week, but I haven't been taking it long enough for it to take effect, so this is all the masochist fix working.

People say not to use BDSM as therapy. But honestly, why not? Finding this community has done more for me than the medical profession ever has. And there are so many with similar issues in the scene. We can talk about different medications and psych issues without fear of judgement or stigma. There are others here that know the row you hoe.

I'm not saying eschew therapists entirely. For many issues, that's obviously not a good idea. But, honestly, kink is my therapy. I don't have panic attacks when people touch me anymore. I have more than 4 friends. I actually leave my house and do things with other humans. I'm still awkward as fuck, but I'm always going to be that way. I still don't have the best self-esteem, but I'm way better than I was when I came into all of this.

I have my pills, but honestly, BDSM, masochism, this community. This is my wonder drug.


  1. Thank you for sharing your difficult, but beautiful struggle. All the best to you.

  2. This is something I've been very conflicted about lately. I'm afraid that my masochistic nature is just another form of self harm. It was really good to read how you see it so positively. It's definitely something I need to think about some more. Thank you for your honest post!
    Aurora x