Saturday, November 7, 2020

Ace Until Proven Guilty


 This year has been a weird one on the sexuality front for me. I've never really had cause to question my sexuality, aside from my first days in the kink community as a young newbie submissive, when every dom I talked to tried to convince me I was bisexual. Newsfash, I'm not. Of course, at the time and for most of my life, I've considered myself to be straight, despite my general ambivalence and sometimes distaste for the male sexual organ. 

I didn't have my first sexual encounter until I was deep into 19, which involved kink and sexual activities, although not sex itself. I didn't have sex for the first time until a week before my 20th birthday. And, well, it was pretty awful, if I can be completely honest. But, as a virgin who'd never even dated, I didn't really know what to expect beyond the unrealistic fantasies of my romance novels, which my first relationship spectacularly failed to live up to. 

Last year, I began to realize that I was most likely demisexual, an idea suggested by some of my friends in the sex blogging community based on how I described sexual fantasies. i.e. my masturbatory musings never include actual people. They are always about sexual acts with faceless actors or scenarios between characters I have written. It explained a lot. My utter inability to engage in casual sex. My painfully monogamous nature. The fact that I never dated or found anyone I even wanted to date in high school. The fact that I've only had 3 sexual partners ever.

Although, I wasn't aware at the time that I initially took on this label that it was on the asexual spectrum. Asexuality never really occurred to me, because I have a libido. I like reading about sex, writing about sex, and I mostly enjoy having sex. 

I know I am capable of experiencing sexual attraction. I did with my second partner. But, it didn't really occur to me until after I ended my most recent relationship, that my previous partner was the only partner I'd experienced actual sexual attraction to. 

I had never really noticed because it's sometimes rather difficult to separate sexual and romantic attraction. Trying to parse my first relationship is all but impossible due to the emotionally abusive nature of it. 

It wasn't until my most recent relationship that I began to really consider the asexual aspect. I liked him. I found him visually appealing. I was comfortable enough to engage in sex with him, although that emotional bond never really took hold. But I found myself no longer enjoying sex (although part of it was physical incompatibility). In fact, I was almost dreading it. When we did have sex, I was never really able to be in the moment. I often found my mind wandering to completely random shit, or just general navel gazing. I felt bad about this. It feels rude to not be able to focus on your partner while engaging in intimacy. 

So, I hopped into the asexual subreddits to try and figure some of this shit out. Because, maybe I was more asexual than I thought?

But how could I be ace? I mean, I like sex. I think. Well, I like all the stuff that leads up to sex. I can write sex like a boss. I get horny. I know I like men. I mean, I can only really say I've experienced true sexual attraction twice in my life (meaning with two men, not two specific instances).

Oh, sexual and romantic attraction are different? 

Right. 

Okay. 

So now the concept of a heteroromantic demisexual starts to form. But what does that really mean?  It was a comic post on r/lgballt that really hit it home for me. I can't find it right now or I'd share it but it basically explained demisexuality as being asexual until you develop a strong emotional bond. Which I mean, is basically just the definition of demisexual, but I'd never really seen it put in those terms before. Ace terms. 

I am romantically attracted to men, and romantic attraction is so intertwined with sexual attraction for me, that the rare instances I experience sexual attraction will be toward men, because I won't develop a romantic bond with a woman. But the vast majority of the time, I'm not attracted to anyone. 

And now that we've had that revelation, so many things make sense now. I'm not picky. I'm not a prude. I'm not broken. I'm just fucking asexual 95% of the time. 

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