Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Tangled Thoughts of a Little Slave

I've gone through a handful of primary labels over the years and slowly added more descriptors to my list of subliness. One of the earliest was slave, and is still one of my main identifiers. The most recent has been Little, a product of my last relationship. I had looked into the label in the past, feeling I had some tendencies, but I rejected the idea at the time because the sheer obnoxiousness of the littles I had met at the time had put me off associating myself with them.

Since my last relationship was with an actual daddy dom, and not just a man who wanted to be called daddy, the little aspect became more apparent. I added that to my list of labels, but it wasn't until this past year that I really embraced it, I guess. Part of me wonders if I'd done so much sooner, I might still be with my ex, but I suppose thinking about that is an exercise in futility.

I reupped my Kindle Unlimited subscription recently, so I could read more spanking smut. I usually go for spanking/domestic discipline romance, but I stumbled across some DD/lg stuff and have mostly been reading that. It reminds me a lot of my last relationship, although I never really got a punishment spanking with him. Part of me craves that. They're always my favorite scenes in those books. What can I say? I have a particular kink. It's why I like brat play, because I want something like that, but I'm too much of a pleaser to actually do anything to warrant it.

Because, while I enjoy the nurturing aspects of the DD/lg dynamic, I can't turn off the slave bit. Acts of service are a big thing for me, particularly cooking. I like to feed people. I'm fucking good at it. I hate cleaning my own house, but I enjoy cleaning as a service. The slave part of me wasn't an aspect I got to express a whole lot in my last relationship. The TPE aspect was there. He was very much always in charge. He was also very much a daddy, and I loved that about him, but he didn't require much service from me. So, I was a little bit pleased when he got sick once, and I got to roll up in there with my arsenal of Kleenex, soup, and cigarettes, and clean up while he slept.

So, how do I reconcile the two? How do I feed both aspects? How do I find a man who can be both daddy and master? Because I'm very much both little and slave. That's part of why I chose the pet label a few years ago, as I felt it kind of encompassed elements of both. I don't know if I necessarily feel that it fits anymore, but I'm not sure what label I'd want to go with. The label you pick tends to influence the type of men you attract. As much as slave and little can coincide, they can attract polar opposites in terms of men. I mean, I list everything on my profile. But who reads those, right?

I guess I'm just in a bit of flux right now. I mean, I know what I am. I just haven't figured out how to effectively express it in a concise manner. I find the pet label gives too much of an impression that I'm into animal pet play, but I dunno what to go with yet.

I think reading these smut books has been a mistake though, as it often is, as it just reminds me how lonely I am and how few opportunities I have to express the submissive and masochistic aspects of my soul.

Bleh.


Wicked Wednesday

1 comment:

  1. I think it's always difficult to find the right labels to attract the right people, as you have rightfully point out here. But I also believe that the right one is always out there somewhere :)

    Rebel xox

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