Saturday, February 1, 2020

Demisexual Ramblings

Sexuality is a lovely, weird, complex thing. I have pretty much always considered myself straight. Nothing else really occurred to me for most of my life. There was a brief period when I first got into the scene and on fetlife where I thought I could potentially be bisexual. I have since realized that feeling was the pressure of others who wanted me to be that.

I have long been easily molded to fit the desires of those I am invested in. I am a chameleon, an empath. I discern a need and try to cram myself into that box. Most of the time, I don't even realize I'm doing it. Particularly with partners. I had mentioned my adaptability in our preliminary conversations, so he had me write up a sheet of goals and such before his influence changed them.

I've always known I was fairly picky about sexual partners. I've never had sex outside a relationship. I'm not capable of casual sex. Emotion is so tied up in sex for me, I know I cannot allow myself to have sex with someone I cannot ultimately be in a relationship with. It's too dangerous. I can't risk the emotional connection deepen into an ultimately fruitless endeavor.

I only really learned about demisexuality in the last few years. Someone suggested it to me on one of my blog posts. It made sense. The inability to engage in casual sex. The inability to drum up enough attraction to even be tempted by it. One night stands? Impossible.

I don't experience instant sexual attraction. I recognize physical appeal, but even those I find physically attractive, I don't know if I would ever actually want them sexually. Not without building that connection.

Once it's there, though. Shit.

I was at a Pure Romance party last year, and we talked about it takes on average about 20 minutes for a woman to become fully aroused. But if I have that connection? Just the presence of my partner is enough sometimes. I've only really experienced this once. But with my last partner, it was like a fucking waterfall just being around him. The foreplay was nice, and appreciated, but I was pretty much ready and raring to go the instant he gave me that look.

I can't even do play with someone unless I have become friends with them first. I mean, I suppose that isn't terribly unusual. But I'm just not comfortable with being touched by people I don't have an emotional connection to. Hugs, handshakes, casual touches from people I don't know well can send me into panic attacks.

I would say this had never seemed overly weird to me, but I know it is. I have had social anxiety and physical paranoia since puberty. It just never occurred to me that this might be a feature of demisexuality.

Don't get me wrong. My libido is ridiculously high. It's just when I decide to take care of my own needs, the men of my fantasies are faceless aggressors. I just don't fantasize about real people. Characters I've built in my stories? Sure. But real actual humans I know? I've only ever done that with those I'm already intimate with. Perhaps that's why most of my life, those featured in my fantasies have been anonymous or unseen. Because there is no connection. I can be aroused by the act without consideration for the one performing it.

And fantasies are fantasies. I would never actually want to live them out. I sometimes wonder if I could, but I know I'd feel horrible afterward if I did. Even if I didn't know who they were, I'd still have a piece of their soul in me. I'd be able to feel it.

I keep noticing new things since I started identifying as demisexual. Sometimes I wish I experienced sexual attraction the way other people do. It would make things less frustrating I think. I have a hard time explaining it to people, besides robotically rattling off the dictionary definition, because I don't think I fully understand it myself. But I'm slowly figuring it out.

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