Friday, December 22, 2017

Where's the Line?

So, I slowly seem to be crawling out of this hole I've been languishing in for most of the year. I've started engaging with other humans. I actually go out to events. I even sometimes get out of bed during the day. I've started playing again, and with new people. Still haven't crawled back on the fitness wagon, but baby steps, I suppose.

As a result getting back into playing, my libido has kind of skyrocketed. I tend to be fairly libidinous normally, but not having a real outlet anymore has got me stirred up into a sort of sub frenzy. Not in the same way that you might think of, of just accepting the collar of whatever happens to show up. I'm too OCD for that, but my brain keeps going to what I can and can't do with play partners. Or rather, what I can feasibly do and retain my core values.

I have my codes, and I try to stick with them.

I'm trying to figure out how far I can let myself go with someone who could never be a romantic partner for me and keep my codes. Sex is off the table. I know that much. Sex is too...sticky for me. There are too many emotions wrapped up in that degree of intimacy. I view the joining of two bodies as a sharing of souls, and I inevitably develop more intense feelings for those I give my body to. I can't engage in casual sex for this reason. I find people too addicting, and being monogamous, becoming addicted to humans that belong to others is decidedly dangerous.

I tend to be more comfortable with more intimate play as I get closer to a play partner, but I've never quite gotten to the point where sex toys have come up. Wands, dildos, plugs, and such. Part of me, the frenzied part, I'm sure, really wants to go there. Because those things are always more fun when they're being used on you by someone else. Masturbation is well and good, but when your fantasies all skew in the CNC direction, there's quite a bit lacking there.

As a submissive masochist without having a dominant/sadist half, I've always felt a little selfish about being the one who receives all the sensations. Particularly when I don't reciprocate. I've been assured that toppy types get their unique jollies from stuff, but my brain is like, but I'm getting all the fun stuff. So that becomes another reason I hesitate to bring up more intimate forms of play.

I'm sure my bodily insecurities have more than a little to do with my fear of going there as well. I am also very conscious of the fact that pretty much all of the people I've played with are poly folks in established relationships. I don't want to unintentionally step over the line where that's concerned. But then I find myself hesitant to play with single men unless I find them viable relationship prospects because I don't want to foster emotions that won't come to anything. Also, playing with men that I'm not in a relationship with is new for me.

There's just so much conflict up here in my head about what is okay to ask of another and what is okay to ask of myself, what is okay to offer of myself, without compromising the rules which I have set for myself. How I can indulge in certain fantasies without crossing the line that would wound my soul. And, I suppose part of me is always afraid that people are indulging me rather than actually possessing a desire to do those things with me. I know that's ridiculous and irrational, but I have a lot of brain squirrels up here and they're loud as fuck. I'm bad at humans, okay?

I'm envious of those around me who have already managed to cultivate those play relationships where intense, intimate play isn't something that requires lots of internal deliberation. I hear others talk about the scenes they're planning, and I wish I had that. Or had that again. I had an easy play relationship like that a few times in my past, but they tended to be people I had taught, so scenes were limited in scope and I often did pretty much all of the planning. There's something alluring about experienced d-types. The ability to try new things. Not feeling like I'm directing all of the action, because I really hate controlling all of it.

I think that's why negotiations often amount to "Here's my list of limits. Aside from that, do whatever the fuck you want." I can't say it's the best of strategies, but I get tired of being a teacher. I just want to be able to give up that control. I want to feel that vulnerability that flips so many of my "fuck yes" switches in my brain, and I can't do that when I have to be aware enough to correct technique or know when something's not going right.

Basically, I'm doing better, but I'm still really fucking confused about so many things.

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