Friday, December 22, 2017

Where's the Line?

So, I slowly seem to be crawling out of this hole I've been languishing in for most of the year. I've started engaging with other humans. I actually go out to events. I even sometimes get out of bed during the day. I've started playing again, and with new people. Still haven't crawled back on the fitness wagon, but baby steps, I suppose.

As a result getting back into playing, my libido has kind of skyrocketed. I tend to be fairly libidinous normally, but not having a real outlet anymore has got me stirred up into a sort of sub frenzy. Not in the same way that you might think of, of just accepting the collar of whatever happens to show up. I'm too OCD for that, but my brain keeps going to what I can and can't do with play partners. Or rather, what I can feasibly do and retain my core values.

I have my codes, and I try to stick with them.

I'm trying to figure out how far I can let myself go with someone who could never be a romantic partner for me and keep my codes. Sex is off the table. I know that much. Sex is too...sticky for me. There are too many emotions wrapped up in that degree of intimacy. I view the joining of two bodies as a sharing of souls, and I inevitably develop more intense feelings for those I give my body to. I can't engage in casual sex for this reason. I find people too addicting, and being monogamous, becoming addicted to humans that belong to others is decidedly dangerous.

I tend to be more comfortable with more intimate play as I get closer to a play partner, but I've never quite gotten to the point where sex toys have come up. Wands, dildos, plugs, and such. Part of me, the frenzied part, I'm sure, really wants to go there. Because those things are always more fun when they're being used on you by someone else. Masturbation is well and good, but when your fantasies all skew in the CNC direction, there's quite a bit lacking there.

As a submissive masochist without having a dominant/sadist half, I've always felt a little selfish about being the one who receives all the sensations. Particularly when I don't reciprocate. I've been assured that toppy types get their unique jollies from stuff, but my brain is like, but I'm getting all the fun stuff. So that becomes another reason I hesitate to bring up more intimate forms of play.

I'm sure my bodily insecurities have more than a little to do with my fear of going there as well. I am also very conscious of the fact that pretty much all of the people I've played with are poly folks in established relationships. I don't want to unintentionally step over the line where that's concerned. But then I find myself hesitant to play with single men unless I find them viable relationship prospects because I don't want to foster emotions that won't come to anything. Also, playing with men that I'm not in a relationship with is new for me.

There's just so much conflict up here in my head about what is okay to ask of another and what is okay to ask of myself, what is okay to offer of myself, without compromising the rules which I have set for myself. How I can indulge in certain fantasies without crossing the line that would wound my soul. And, I suppose part of me is always afraid that people are indulging me rather than actually possessing a desire to do those things with me. I know that's ridiculous and irrational, but I have a lot of brain squirrels up here and they're loud as fuck. I'm bad at humans, okay?

I'm envious of those around me who have already managed to cultivate those play relationships where intense, intimate play isn't something that requires lots of internal deliberation. I hear others talk about the scenes they're planning, and I wish I had that. Or had that again. I had an easy play relationship like that a few times in my past, but they tended to be people I had taught, so scenes were limited in scope and I often did pretty much all of the planning. There's something alluring about experienced d-types. The ability to try new things. Not feeling like I'm directing all of the action, because I really hate controlling all of it.

I think that's why negotiations often amount to "Here's my list of limits. Aside from that, do whatever the fuck you want." I can't say it's the best of strategies, but I get tired of being a teacher. I just want to be able to give up that control. I want to feel that vulnerability that flips so many of my "fuck yes" switches in my brain, and I can't do that when I have to be aware enough to correct technique or know when something's not going right.

Basically, I'm doing better, but I'm still really fucking confused about so many things.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

e[Lust] #101

CandySnatchReview for Elust 101

Photo courtesy of Candysnatch Reviews

Welcome to Elust 101-

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #102 Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Email from my ex-boy


Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Why should we call ourselves sinners?
Repeated Patterns

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Fuck Yourself


*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

The Red Chair ~ A Cuckold’s Story – Part 1
Caught Part 3: the punishment
Get up! Stand up!
Chastity Fiction: Aaron & Melissa

Body Talk and Sexual Health

The 39 Days
Do Not Delete

Thoughts and Advice on Kink & Fetish

Tooth and nail
Event Horizons
Bee’s wax

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Sex Q&A: An Adventure into Ass Play
She was poisoned by your utter indifference.
Orally Ambiguous



Erotic Non-Fiction

Walk in, beat him, leave
What Is My Dream Trying to Tell Me?
Thought of Her
The Biter




Elust 88

Friday, December 15, 2017

A Festive First Bite

The local scene has regular rope nights every week where they teach different techniques. I haven't attended for the most part because it's an hour drive and, since I work nights, I'd have to leave early to get to work on time. I decided top pop up this last week though and volunteer as tribute, and popped my rope cherry in the process. I'm interested to see what other binds I can get myself into. I had to do a heavy edit on the marks to get them to show up, but here's the unedited tie photo as well.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

My First and Only Experience with Canes

Seven years ago, I was in the first couple months of my first bdsm relationship, my first relationship, period, actually. I'd been on Fetlife for a bit longer, but I was still new. I was in the BDSM on a Budget group, and ran across the $1 toy thread. One of the things mentioned was a plastic candy cane yard decoration. you can still find them today. I got mine at Walmart, but I see them most often at Dollar Trees.

It's about 3 feet (~1 meter) long and made of multicolored braided plastic. I had never played with canes, and my experience with most toys was limited, but I was eager to try out new things and I was still in the NRE phase of my relationship.

My dom at the time did that annoying thing of counting up numbers of strokes (that typically went undelivered), usually adding to the number for ridiculous reasons. We got a chance to be alone at my house a few days after Christmas. We had initially planned a day of kinky fuckery, but the night before where he camped out on my couch, I was so sick from some bad meat I'd had at lunch, I didn't get any sleep.

I mentioned being ill when we got up, but he wasn't having any of it. I don't remember exactly what we did before, but I think we showered together. He had decided that he was finally going to make good on at least part of his persistent threat of punishment.

He decided that he was going to use the cane I'd just bought. I believe he had mentioned it previously and I had implored that he not go too hard because it was a new toy, and I was still skittish from a previous punishment where he'd used a spike-studded leather belt. He said he would go a little easy.

He did not. I couldn't think much through the pain, but I think I managed to count 36 blows, 30 with the cane, 6 rather hard swats with his hand. I knew I'd started bawling only a few lashes in, maybe from the very first, probably from the shock of it. I remember trying to stand up at some point because I couldn't take it, and he popped me on the back with it to make me go back down.

He then decided a bit of dry anal was in order, and I think that was almost as unpleasant as the caning. At some point, he pulled me up and gave me a choice between continuing with that or sucking him off and swallowing. Under normal circumstances, I'd have never consented to ass to mouth, but at that point, I was so stressed by the whole experience and I really, really didn't want him to put it back in my ass, so I agreed to the alternative.

I knew how this was going to go, however, so I convinced him to move to the bathroom where I tried to do what he wanted. And, of course, the acrid taste and the slimy texture of his semen, combined with the stress and the fact that I was sick, I, of course, immediately threw up into the toilet I was kneeling beside.

That was my first and only experience with a cane. I've not been really up to trying it again in the intervening years. I have made them a hard limit with play partners. I've never established it as a hard limit within a relationship, but I've always been pretty clear about my distaste for them.

I might, at some point, become comfortable enough with someone to try them during play, but I'd probably have to be tied down first.

It annoys me that so many things have been tainted by those first experiences. I carry a lot of issues from that first relationship to this day, and I really wish I didn't, but I'm not sure how to discard it.

But, anyway, that's the story behind my hatred of canes.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2017!

I'm in the top 50! Number 47, but I'm on it and in the top half. Progress!

Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2017

  1. Kayla Lords: A Sexual Being
I think once Kayla turns her mind to something she dedicates herself to it 110% and this year the result of that is that she has managed to secure herself the No. 1 spot on this list. Her writing is always excellent and her content is hugely varied, she writes fiction, personal essays and thought pieces, as well as advice and reviews. She is an amazing resource for anyone looking for content about D/s relationships and I think she is absolutely deserved winner of this year's No.1 spot.
  1. Temperatures Rising
Mrs Fever appeared at No.10 on last year's list. She is an absolute wordsmith in my opinion. Her writing is intelligent, thought-provoking, sexy and passionate and I am constantly drawn back into her blog to get lost in her world of words.
  • Follow her on Twitter: N/A
  1. Girly Juice
Kate has absolutely earned her place in the top ten this year in my opinion. She is a talented and exciting writer and her blog is well designed and structured and in my opinion she is absolutely brilliant at what she does.
  1. Pain as Pleasure
This is a first since I have been doing the list; a blog going from the 'new voices' section straight into the top ten but Bibulousone has done exactly that. I find his writing utterly enthralling. He tackles the complexities of his life and relationship situation with a raw honesty that is both fascinating and addictive reading.
  1. Rebel's Notes
Rebel's blog continues to be of a consistently high standard both in the content she produces and in the layout and design of her site. This year has been a tough year for her dealing with her Mother's illness and passing but she is not one to shy away from writing about tricky difficult issues and the honesty she brings to her writing is something to be admired.

Follow her on Twitter: @Rebelsnotes
  1. Not So Sex in the City
This was a new discovery for me on last year's list and one I have continued to enjoy throughout the year. She is writer with a compelling style. She can make you laugh, cry and get turned on and sometimes that is all in one post.
  1. Pandora Blake
Over the years Pandora Blake's blog has changed and evolved alongside their own personal and professional evolution. As a result the content currently reflects their extensive work on fighting porn censorship in the UK and their blog is a hugely valuable resource for both those producing adult content and those consuming it not just in the UK but worldwide.
  1. Scandarella
Damn can this woman write a short story! Her blog is a mixture of reviews, personal essays and fiction and it is all extremely well written but her story telling is some of the best around and why she has not published an anthology of sexy wicked stories is a mystery to me.
  1. The Beautiful Kind
Kendra is one of the blogs which I was reading even before I started blogging. In fact she is a very small group of bloggers who definitely had a role to play in inspiring me to start my own blog. Over the years her story has been complex, difficult and inspirational and she has shared it all on her blog in her perfectly candid style.
  1. Red Hot Suz
And in at number 10 we have the awesome Suz. Her blog is a fabulous mix of well crafted sex toy reviews, thought pieces and personal essays that explore a large variety of sex related topics.
11 Love Hate Sex Cake @LoveHateSexCake
12 Tabitha Rayne @tabithaerotica
13 Little Switch Bitch @_littlesbitch
14 Bex Talk Sex @bextalkssex
15 Cara Thereon @thereon_cara
16 Denying Thumper @thumperMN
17 Domina Jen @DominaJen
18 Cara Sutra @thecarasutra
19 Hey Epiphora @epiphora
20 Innocent Loverboy @innocentlb
21 Emmeline Peaches Reviews @EmmelinePeaches
22 Poly . Land @polydotland
23 The Big Gay Review @thebiggayreview
24 Sexual Destinites @victoriavista1
25 The Other Livvy @theotherlivvy
26 Candy Snatch @CandysReviews
27 Miss Scarlet Writes @MissScarletUK
28 Grind N Throb N/A
29 Modesty Ablaze @ablazingmodesty
30 Ninja Sexology @ninjasexology
31 By Aurora Glory @AuroraGloryBlog
32 Miss Eve E. @MissEveBlogs
33 Holden and Camille @holden_cammie
34 Teachers Have Sex @teachershavesex
35 My Trickle Trunk @mytickletrunk
36 Wriggly Kitty @wriggly_kitty
37 Princess Previews @PrincessPreview
38 Ann St vincent @AnnStVincent
39 Happy Come Lucky @ht_honey
40 Exposing 40 @exposing40
41 Cleareyed Girl @_Masterseye
42 Random Red Rose @randomredrose
43 Joanne's Sex Machine and Sex Toy Reviews @joannesreviews
44 Kitten Boheme @kittenboheme
45 Victoria Blisse @victoriablisse
46 Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines @JaimeMortimer
47 Rabbit in Chains @Rabbit_InChains
48 Poly Love & Sex @CPoly69
49 Floss Does Life @_floss_84
50 Sex is My New Hobby @SexIsMyNewHobby
51 Sex Matters @more_matters
52 The Redhead Bedhead @JoEllenNotte
53 Horny Geek Girl @hornygeekgirl
54 A Shared Wife @ASharedWife
55 Mary Q Confesses
56 Marvelous Darling @marvydarling
57 La Taverne Du Captain @captain_review
58 A to sub Bee @sub_bee
59 subs missives @Sum1Sub
60 Suggestive @suggestive
61 Cooler Than A Glass Dildo @NatandTom_
62 Not Just Bitchy N/A
63 Oh Gush @_ohgush_
64 Krystal Minx @BisexualMinx
65 Mx Nillin @mxnillin
66 Minxy & Caged @minxyandcaged
67 The Ins and Outs of Erika Lynae @erika_lynae
68 Collared Mom @CollaredMom
69 You Won't Tame this Sassy Cat @sassycat38
70 Sex, Death Rock'n'roll @violetfenn
71 Le Journal @Little_xsecret
72 Mischa Eliot @mischa_eliot
73 Exhibit A @EA_unadorned
74 The Casquetero Files N/A
75 Backwoods Bedroom @bkwoodsbedroom
76 Maria Open's Up @MSM1647
77 Sexologist Vixenne @DrVixenne
78 Miss Ruby Reviews @MissRubyReviews
79 Echo Explores @EchoExplores
80 Ina Morata @InaMorataWriter
81 Miss Jezebella @Miss_Jezebella
82 Cammies on the Floor @cammiesonfloor
83 Fiesty Fox Films @feistyfoxfilms
84 Dr. J @DoctorJAuthor
85 Emmanuelle de Maupassant @EmmanuelledeM
86 Poly Role Models N/A
87 Malflic @malflic
88 China Doll 320 @ChinaDoll320
89 F Dot Leonora @fdotleonora
90 Livvy Libertine @Livvy_Libertine
91 Life of Elliot @ElliottHenry5
92 My Sex Life with Lola N/A
93 Asrai Devin @asrai
94 stretchingcandi N/A
95 SweeteN Dirty @Sweeten_Dirty
96 Male Chastity Journal N/A
97 Chronic Sex @chronicsexchat
98 Dildo or DilDont N/A
99 Nicci Haydon @niccihaydon
100. YOU! The last spot is for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.

Saturday, December 2, 2017


Sinful Sunday

Star Talker: Part 19: Debriefing

This is one of my more recent paintings that I've added a number of filters
to in order to achieve the lighting effect. I like the physical painting, but I
feel this is the effect that I was initially trying to create.

Rha'han scrolled through the battle reports on his tablet as the rest of the ship captains filed into the room. Each took a seat the large table facing the large screen behind their fleet commander, Fahrash. Fahrash was an older man, his dark grey hair pulled back into a severe knot at the base of his skull. He hailed from the southern regions of the empire, as evidenced by his dark copper skin and the short black horns that crowned his head. His gaze swept around the room, lighting on each of his subordinates in turn. When he landed on Rha'han, he looked down at his tablet, frowned, and looked back up at him suspiciously.

Fahrash cleared his throat. "If you've had a chance to take a look at the reports you were sent this morning, you'll be aware of yesterday's victory. All Terran presence on the continent has been subdued and thirty-two prisoners in total have been taken into Klotharan custody. Two Jin Fai ships were brought down and fourteen Jin Fai females were captured as a result. All males executed. Rha'han?"

Rha'han straightened a bit. "Target was the Centauri research facility located in the Bassir region. Eighteen females were captured. Fifteen Terran, eight potentially viable mates. One Candarri of breeding age, and two cephaloid females that will be returned to their planet. Twenty-seven males executed at site."

Fahrash nodded. "All will need to be interrogated, of course. The fact that both sets speak different languages will be complicated. Are there any Terran translators currently stationed in the Citadel?"

"Negative, sir. Capital-based Terran translators were conscripted by His Highness, the Ambassador, for the annual summit. They have not yet returned," Ma'dar said, scrolling on his tablet. "There are a few in the database stationed at various outposts. We could call one in, but it may take a couple of days for them to get here."

The commander frowned.

"Not necessary," Rha'han said. All eyes turned to him. "One of the Terran females acquired from the Centauri facility was their interpreter. She can at the very least translate for her own people, and there is a strong possibility that she is familiar with the Jin Fai's primary language."

Fahrash squinted down at his tablet. "You said fifteen Terrans were captured. I only see fourteen listed on the holding roster."

"That's because I branded the interpreter on the ship. She's currently in my apartments." Rha'han noted several eyebrows went up.

"Bold move," Fahrash said, still eyeing him. "Not sure the Shara will be thrilled with that decision, but it might make the woman more compliant to our demands."

Rha'han wasn't so sure about that. "If she's not, I'm sure she can be persueded."

Several laughs erupted around the room.

Fahrash went around the table, having each man give his report. Rha'han listened intently, jotting down relevant notes in shorthand on his tablet screen. After explaining the interrogatory itinerary, the meeting dispersed, and Rha'han returned to his office in the military sector. The next few hours were spent cataloguing notes, filling out weapons paperwork, and relaying orders and the other bureaucratics tasks that came with his position.

A remote login alert popped up in the corner of the screen on his tablet. He frowned at it. What in the world? He picked up the device and tapped the alert, bringing up the display of his home computer. A few different net screens were pulled up, all in a language he didn't recognize. The more concerning issue was the console pulled up in the corner of the screen, programming language scrolling past at an alarming rate. He minimized the computer display and pulled up the security app, tapping the camera for the study. An image of Selena in a lovely violet gown rapidly typing at his desktop appeared on the screen.

"Ah, hell."

He maxed the computer app and flipped off the network access for his apartments. He transferred his camera display to the home screen.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked