Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Pro-Tips for Authentic Kitten Play

1. Demand all the pets.

2. Meow incessantly when hungry.

3. If you see a cup, knock it over. Empty cup? Murder it. Full cup? Dead. If they move the cup? Immediately seek out said cup and send it straight to hell (the floor).

4. Obsessively lick one spot on your dominant's body, preferably an arm or a leg until they feel like you will soon wear a hole in their skin.

5. Crawl directly in front of where they are walking and flop onto your back for belly rubs.

6. Choose an arbitrary number of belly rubs to accept before attacking the belly rubbing hand. There should be a different number allotted each time. Keep them on their toes.

7. Chew on random electrical cords. Although I would probably make sure they are unplugged first.

8. For authenticity's sake, cat litter must be everywhere. You don't have to use a litter box, just sprinkle it in random places on the floor.

9. If you encounter a closed door of any kind, scratch it repeatedly and jiggle it with your paw under the door so it makes that annoying thumping sound until someone opens it.

10. Climb onto tables and counters, basically anywhere you're not supposed to be, and take a nap.

11. If your dominant is eating, well, anything, you must steal at least one piece. Preferably when they aren't paying attention. Then hop out of arm's reach and eat it defiantly in front of them. Solid eye contact while doing so is ideal.

12. Bite all the bare ankles you can find.

13. Demand more pets.


  1. This is so funny! I'd be a puppy rather than a kitten, but authentic puppy tips would be something like:
    - pee on everything
    -if you can't pee on it, chew it up
    -recreational barking is a thing

    1. Ha! I would also include "greet every human you see with an unnecessarily large amount of enthusiasm."