Tuesday, August 22, 2017

A Slave's Perspective

For most of my time in the lifestyle, I have gravitated toward the Total Power Exchange/Total Authority Transfer (TPE/TAT) side of things. When I first came into the scene, I was adamant that I was a sub and not a slave, but it didn't take me long to naturally fall into the slave category. I've spent most of my time on fet in various M/s forums, so it rarely hits me at how different an outlook that particular dynamic style can be.

I don't find myself discussing it much offline as M/s has never been terribly common in the local scene, at least, as far as I've noticed. I rarely see or hear anyone call themselves a slave when talking about themselves at events. I rarely talk about M/s related stuff at gatherings because of this, and largely because I tend to run into a fair bit of resistence in how I view things.

The local scene has largely been a proponent of the "s-type has all the power" idea, something I've always disagreed with but have rarely voiced that opinion. There are also the ideas of you shouldn't do something if you don't like it, and safe words are full stops, always.

Limits are, of course, regarded as sacrosanct and the concept of no limits is often ridiculed or regarded with much skepticism. Now, I'm not no limits, and I've never proported to be so, but I have long been in online circles where that is a common way to do things, and it influenced how my concept of limits developed. Within the general community, making something a hard limit because you don't like it is perfectly valid. But it always felt like, as a self-defined slave, that my hard limits should have a reason behind it beyond "I don't like it." So, most of my limits are confined to things I find emotionally or physically damaging, things I find morally wrong, or things I can't do because of my own physical limitations. And...clover clamps, 'cause they scare the hell out of me.

As a slave, I fully expect to have to do things I may really dislike. In a recent conversation about my dislike for the taste of semen, there was a discussion about being "made" to taste it versus wanting to, and I mentioned that I had been ordered to in the past and would do again if it was something my future owner wanted despite the fact that I really kind of hate it. A comment was made that doing as you're told when you really don't like something isn't okay. And, I get it, I get the point of view that comes from. I probably felt that way in the beginning, before I fully developed my identity. I also totally advocate that for those who feel that way. You can make a limit for whatever reason you like, and it should be respected.

But that's just not how I work, personally. I have never made swallowing or oral sex a limit. I mean, oral sex is no big deal. It's not something I personally get off on, but it's something I willingly do, and I've been told I'm fairly decent at it. Swallowing, I really kind of hate, but it's not something I feel I have a valid reason to take off the table. I also hate canes, and my only experience with them was terrible. They are a limit with play partners, but if I had an owner, and that was something he chose to use, it's not off the table.

I've also gotten into arguments before about how I handle safe words. This one is a little more tricky, because I haven't ever really used them. My default way to handle things is if I have a problem, I just say what it is, we fix it, and move on. With most partners, I never even establish a safe word. Safe words really don't occur to me in the moment, and if I hit the nonverbal point, I'm not likely to tap out. Although, nonverbal is a rare state for me outside of a romantic relationship. However, if I did use safe words, I have never really considered them a full stop sign like they are at play parties and things like that. Safe words, for me, are a signal that a problem exists and that the problem needs to be addressed, but I feel it is up to my owner to determine how that is to be handled. If he decides we stop, we stop. If he decides to address the issue and keep going, then that's what we do.

I come at things largely from a perspective of lack of choice. I assume I do not have an option unless explicitly presented with one. I've had previous partners who have largely acknowledged and respected my dislikes, even ones I never explicitly voiced. That's great and I enjoy it, but I know there's likely going to be something along the lines that they require that I don't like. As long as I don't find it physically, psychologically, or spiritually harmful, I will do as I'm told. Because, well, that's just how I roll.

Of course, I'm not advocating for everyone to view things this way. I don't expect them to, nor would I want them to. This is just how my mindset has developed over the years. I realize it's not going to click with most, and might even upset a few, as it has in the past. Although, sometimes I do find myself forgetting how unusual it seems in the larger population, so am taken aback by some negative reactions. But, then, it's rare that I discuss these things outside of M/s forums or writings on my blog.

I know I'm unusual, but, I promise, there is a method to my madness.


  1. I think my experience has been the other way around to you. I used to be happy to do things that I didn't like just because it pleased my partner (licking up 'facials' comes to mind). It's interesting as I thought the fact I wasn't prepared to do this anymore meant I wasn't really a submissive. Perhaps it just means I'm not a slave.
    Aurora x

    1. Submission is different for everyone. Just because there are things you aren't interested in doing anymore doesn't mean you aren't submissive. Everyone has the option for hard limits. The no/minimal limits crowd us a relatively small percentage of the lifestyle.