Saturday, March 11, 2017


Mr. Gray, the sad little tom that
lives on my mom's porch.
I think amicable splits are the hardest to process. At least when a relationship ends badly, you can rage and vent without a care to the feelings of the other person. But when it ends with a hug and a suggestion to hang out, what do you do with your emotions then?

I don't know how to do this. Sad is just a woefully inadequate word to describe how I feel. Devastated is more apt. Confused is also applicable. I mean, he explained himself pretty clearly, but my brain can't process it. It's not like past relationships where things got gradually worse until the end was almost a relief.

No, this is traveling along a scenic road with the top down on a perfect day, with the wind in your hair and the sun on your skin...and then suddenly tumbling over a cliff you never saw. Everything was great. Five months of affection, care, intimacy, fun, and adventure. Then suddenly it's over.

He was kind about it. He did it properly. In person, sweetly. That doesn't make it any less painful. Somehow I think it makes it more so. I know he put a six month trial period on the whole thing, but everything was going so wonderfully well, I didn't expect this to happen. I secretly feared it after a particular conversation a few months ago, but I was not prepared for this. Just Tuesday, he was at my house in my arms, stroking my face an hair.  Thursday, I go to bed happy, looking forward to the weekend, then wake up to him at my door.

I managed to contain myself to a few silent tears, and avoid the angry hysterics in my head. You know how I hate to cry in front of others. I was thoroughly confused by the time he left because he was so kind about it all, and perhaps because I couldn't bring myself to believe it was happening, that after he left, I had to clarify through text what he'd intended with that conversation.

I cried for a good two hours.

He had mentioned possibly seeing a movie this weekend, which is why I was confused. I don't think I can do that yet. I don't know how to be with him without being WITH him yet. I don't know how to be around him without all the affectionate little touches, hugs, kisses. I don't know how lose the whole Daddy/kitten dynamic.

I don't know what I'm doing yet. The thought of trying to find someone who lives up to the standard he set is daunting.

In short, I'm really fucking sad right now.