Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Little Things

Siggy, my kitten
About a year and a half ago I first mentioned my conflict with the label of "little" in The Word "Daddy". My relationship with the term has changed somewhat, having begun a relationship with an actual daddy dom rather than a dom I simply called Daddy, although I can't say that it's become less confusing for me. In the past two months, I've had two labels added to my rather formidable list of identifications by this man: little and kitty. I can't say kitty is terribly surprising. I mean, I'm a cat lady. But the other...the other I still struggle with.

He constantly tells me I'm a little. After examining the evidence, I can't disagree, but it's still a murky place for me. There's still a part of me that wants to wrinkle my nose at the idea of it. So many of the stereotypical aspects are distasteful to me. I have no desire to wear little girl dresses (not that I could fit into one...). Baby talk annoys the ever loving shit out of me, particularly in written form. The whole whiny spoiled brat thing bothers me (mind you, I'm not talking about the BDSM definition of brat which I have addressed multiple times in the past).

I don't really have a concrete idea of what a little is anymore than I did last year. I have never dared to attach the label to myself due to the stigma attached to the more annoying traits. I also don't regress like so many littles seem to do. I don't have a "little space" or a "middle space." Whatever part of me is a little is always a part of me.

I find that the longer I am with him, the more prominent that aspect becomes. I can't tell yet if the little part is manifesting itself because I'm finally with someone who recognizes it and appreciates or because I know it's something that he enjoys. I've always been naturally inclined to magnify certain behaviors in order to be more pleasing. So, at this point I don't know if it's coming from me or coming out for him.

I often play the "why" game now, in which I will respond to a series of things with "why/because why/etc." until he starts repeating himself or starts laughing. I told him recently that "this" was his fault, but I don't think he really understood what I meant.

I express it constantly around him, but there's still that hint of hesitation or discomfort in the back of my brain. I'm not completely comfortable with the idea yet. I can't see myself doing "little" things in public, even at parties. I'm not going to carry a stuffy around, or sit around coloring with others, although I do enjoy coloring. I'll watch animated movies with others, because who doesn't love a good cartoon?

I imagine part of it is some subconscious awareness of the significant age difference between us. I brought up in The Word "Daddy" that I was self-conscious about being mistaken for my ex's daughter. I'd say that concern would be more legitimate now. It's also just self-consciousness in general about how I'm perceived.

Yep, my disorder hasn't gone anywhere. I'm still pretty keen about not feeling like a weirdo in public. Sure, I can get away with a lot based on my appearance and being female. Sexism is alive and well, ladies and gents, particularly in the Southern U.S. I will still make the argument that women are expected to retain certain youthful traits into adulthood that are considered less acceptable or generally unacceptable in men.

I'm still contemplating this new label. I'm sure as I ponder, I'll post more about it here. I still default to owner in non-DD/lg forums and dom in public. I still think about stuff like that. 'Cause I'm still neurotic as fuck.

1 comment:

  1. I think the great thing about TTWD is that there are levels. You don't have to conform to someone else's idea of what a little is. I resonate with much of what you said. I have a little side - enjoying coloring and animated things, certain seemingly childish traits, but I don't call myself a little for many of the reasons you described; those negative connotations.