Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The End of an Era

Last fall my relationship nearly came to an end. I probably should have went ahead and let it end then, but I'm an optimistic creature and I hate to give up on someone. I think it would have been better had I ended it then. Perhaps now I might even be with someone new. But I let it go on, hoping against hope that I would finally get to do what I've wanted to do for the last three years.

It looks like it's not meant to be.

He lost his job around the first of April. He requested some alone time in order to figure out what he was going to do. This wasn't the first time he's done this. In fact, I even did a post about the last period of quiet time. I said some encouraging things, and he said he would talk to me soon.

A month into the silence, I began to suspect that I would never hear from him again, so I sent an email inquiring to that fact, since my texts had met with more silence. After several days with no response, I resolved to give up, composing my "Dear John" letter, as that was the only concrete way at this point to contact him. I mailed it, reactivated my OkCupid, and began fielding the wave of messages that comes with a new profile.

I spoke with a guy for a few days, and agreed to meet up with him. It was awkward, but I was trying to be optimistic despite my tumultuous emotions. I went home to sleep for the day and woke to perhaps the most devastating thing that could have happened at that point.

He had responded. He said he was in a place where he did not have access to a phone and was technically not supposed to be on the internet either, but that he would contact me in a few weeks tops. I won't say where that is for privacy reasons. I cried for about an hour, upset that he had not told me this was happening before it did. I felt horrible about having met up with another man. I resolved to proceed with ending it, essentially composing another "Dear John" email while I cried.

I've reached the point where this whole thing feels like a fantasy that will never happen. Fate seems determined to keep us apart, and I've been growing increasingly frustrated with the lack of communication and how he shuts me out every time something major happens. I'm also a bit pissed he couldn't give me the courtesy of telling me what was going on before falling off the face of the earth for so long.

So, at this point, it's over. I think the only thing at this point that could save it is if he showed up on my doorstep or made some other show of effort.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being the only one in the relationship who seems to be trying. I understand he has a whole load of bullshit to deal with in his life right now, but I no longer feel like any sort of priority. I feel like he only talks to me when it's convenient, when I would wait endlessly for the slightest word from him.

I've since disabled my OkCupid. I'll probably go back to it at some point, but right now, I'm not up to fielding the endless droves of "how r u"s and requests to meet up for sleezy truck stop stranger sex.

I'm just so tired, and so very fucking sad. 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

17 comments:

  1. I do hope some new inspiration and motivation will arrive for you soon. Sometimes it does come from something, or someone, least expected! Best wishes!!!
    Xxx - K

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the positive thoughts. I hope to get back into the swing of things soon. I'm trying to focus on my health right now, so my writing is suffering a bit.

      Delete
  2. I am so sorry that things have gone like this, but as you said: if he disappears every time something major happens, it doesn't seem like he really wants to share his life with you. It's never nice when one person is 100% into a relationship and the other only 75%. Take the time to heal, hun, and then move on. Someone out there is waiting to share 100% with you :)

    Rebel xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so. I would like to have a real relationship for once.

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. Solidarity, girl. We share the feels.

      Delete
  4. I am so sorry to hear you are hurting at the moment. I think Rebel is right, take some time to heal and be kind to yourself and then you will be in a much better place to explore what else life has to offer you

    Mollyxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, I'm looking forward to finding some more concrete happiness.

      Delete
  5. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you and thanks for stopping by and your comment.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I do hope you find what you are looking for. that is ugly at best the way he handled things between you. I don't always understand men, though I am one. going off like that with no hint of where or when he would be back is totally unacceptable in my book. You are better off without him

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I suppose so. It's still disappointing though. I did love him.

      Delete
  7. I'm so sorry. Even though it may be for the best, it doesn't make it any less difficult.

    ReplyDelete
  8. How awful... I, too, would have been devastated if I'd met with someone else and then found out he was still interested...but as an outside observer in this case I think you should not feel bad at all! If OK Cupid works for you, I think you should follow your instinct... I don't know you (yet :) but you deserve better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if it will work yet. It didn't the last time, but I suppose we'll see what happens. I plan to go back sometime this month and see where it goes. Thanks for stopping by! I hope to get more productive again soon.

      Delete
  9. You should not feel bad for the games we men play. You were left hanging and you didn't really do anything wrong. He's on your playing field now, let him step up to the plate and hit the ball, or strike out and go home...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'll see what happens. Still no contact yet, so I don't know if he will. I feel like he will, but who knows. I don't think he's going to be in the position to step up anytime soon, and I'm not sure I'm up for more waiting.

      Delete