Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The End of an Era

Last fall my relationship nearly came to an end. I probably should have went ahead and let it end then, but I'm an optimistic creature and I hate to give up on someone. I think it would have been better had I ended it then. Perhaps now I might even be with someone new. But I let it go on, hoping against hope that I would finally get to do what I've wanted to do for the last three years.

It looks like it's not meant to be.

He lost his job around the first of April. He requested some alone time in order to figure out what he was going to do. This wasn't the first time he's done this. In fact, I even did a post about the last period of quiet time. I said some encouraging things, and he said he would talk to me soon.

A month into the silence, I began to suspect that I would never hear from him again, so I sent an email inquiring to that fact, since my texts had met with more silence. After several days with no response, I resolved to give up, composing my "Dear John" letter, as that was the only concrete way at this point to contact him. I mailed it, reactivated my OkCupid, and began fielding the wave of messages that comes with a new profile.

I spoke with a guy for a few days, and agreed to meet up with him. It was awkward, but I was trying to be optimistic despite my tumultuous emotions. I went home to sleep for the day and woke to perhaps the most devastating thing that could have happened at that point.

He had responded. He said he was in a place where he did not have access to a phone and was technically not supposed to be on the internet either, but that he would contact me in a few weeks tops. I won't say where that is for privacy reasons. I cried for about an hour, upset that he had not told me this was happening before it did. I felt horrible about having met up with another man. I resolved to proceed with ending it, essentially composing another "Dear John" email while I cried.

I've reached the point where this whole thing feels like a fantasy that will never happen. Fate seems determined to keep us apart, and I've been growing increasingly frustrated with the lack of communication and how he shuts me out every time something major happens. I'm also a bit pissed he couldn't give me the courtesy of telling me what was going on before falling off the face of the earth for so long.

So, at this point, it's over. I think the only thing at this point that could save it is if he showed up on my doorstep or made some other show of effort.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being the only one in the relationship who seems to be trying. I understand he has a whole load of bullshit to deal with in his life right now, but I no longer feel like any sort of priority. I feel like he only talks to me when it's convenient, when I would wait endlessly for the slightest word from him.

I've since disabled my OkCupid. I'll probably go back to it at some point, but right now, I'm not up to fielding the endless droves of "how r u"s and requests to meet up for sleezy truck stop stranger sex.

I'm just so tired, and so very fucking sad. 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Happy Meowther's Day

I'm feeling sad lately, so you get a picture of the kittens living on my mother's porch. She started with one stray, who had her first litter last April. One of that litter stuck around and lived on our porch as well. Priss, the big mama, had her third litter a few weeks ago, and Scruff, the one from her first litter had her first litter a couple days ago. The older set have decided to cuddle with the newborns and it is the most adorable shit ever.

Happy Meowther's Day

Sinful Sunday