Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Still Alive

Well, it's been a bit since I've posted anything of substance. I was doing so well with three updates a week, and I feel bad about not posting Unmasked updates. I really enjoy writing that series and I am kind of frustrated that I haven't really written any of it lately.

The thing is, I've kind of face-planted into the depression stage of grief where I kind of don't want to do anything besides sleep. I hurt physically and I can't tell if it's medical or mental. My doctor thinks it's the anxiety, so I've started Lexapro, and I'm limping along with Ativan to tide me over til the other starts working.

I'm being confronted with the need for dietary changes due to less than stellar blood work. I wonder if that has anything to do with my physical discomfort. However, even if I do change things, I have a genetic predisposition for this sort of thing, so I still might need even more medication. And, of course, there's always the part of my mind that's still afraid there's something wrong beyond the grief and the OCD I deal with on a regular basis.

On a positive note, I'm 10lbs away from my first weight loss goal. I've finally hit the 25 mark. I'm rather proud of this, even if the last 3 pounds were lost in a single week while I was sleeping on borrowed Ativan just to calm down enough to rest.

My cat was rather butthurt when I came home three days later.

I know many of you aren't religious, but I like to think I am. I'm not terribly good at it, but I'm attempting to improve that. At the very least, I've taken on the task of some independent religious study. One of my dad's final wishes was that I get back into the church. I don't know that the church I was baptized into feels like my home anymore, so this is my compromise for now. I have felt this conviction for a little while now, and I hope that along with knowledge, it brings me a bit of peace.

I go back to the doctor in about 6 weeks to see how I'm doing with the new medications. I hope to lose another 10 pounds by the time that appointment rolls around. I'm hoping the further weight loss will help with the blood issue as well.

I have a few days off this weekend. I'm supposed to go to the dungeon with Foxy, but I also hope to get a little bit of writing done. I'm sorry to any regular readers I might have that I haven't gotten anything out besides a picture or two. The last few weeks, it's been an effort to do much of anything besides sleep, cry, or panic. And I worry about my mom, who is down here in the hole with me, but doesn't seem terribly interested in climbing back out.


  1. I'm also coping with the loss of my father, and this grief is a tough road. I understand. I have found for me, I couldn't go to church right after his passing - everything there was a trigger and I was weeping openly (and though I was trying to be discreet, I was totally making a spectacle of myself). I didn't go back for months.

    But eventually, I did go back, and in the same words, songs, and scriptures that brought me pain, I felt peace. I still tear up during mass, but when I leave I feel good about it.

    I hope you find the same.

    1. I went with my mother a couple weeks ago to borrow some books from the pastor. I didn't make it through without crying either.

  2. Sorry to hear things are not going too well at this moment, hun. Don't worry about us, we will still be here when you get back. First concentrate on yourself, your own health, your own feelings and come back once you feel better. Sending hugs!

    Rebel xox

    1. Thanks. I do hope to write something this weekend though. I was proud of my productivity the last few months. I don't wanna lose too much momentum.

  3. I lost my dad about 18 months ago and all I can say is hang in there and use the mechanisms you can to help you through. Well done with the weight loss, I too am on that particular journey and am finding it tough xx