Monday, February 29, 2016

Starting from the Bottom?

I've written before on how being a dominant is not a job promotion and how it is unnecessary to be a sub or bottom before being a dom or top, but the topic recently came up again on FetLife. This one guy just couldn't take "yeah, it's helpful for some people but not for everyone."

This is not an idea I support. I don't think a dominant has to experience the other side any more than a submissive has to experience being dominant to be a good submissive. I think it's silly to expect the dominant to go through this process but not require the same of the submissive.

Now, I'm not saying that either party can't benefit from such an experience. Some people do. But others don't, and I don't think it's a good idea to make people think it's necessary to do something against their nature when it's really not.

I have never dominated, but I do consider myself a decent top when it comes to play. I have been both a bottom and a top and my experience as a bottom does inform my technique as a top. I think that I have a better understanding perhaps of how to please a bottom simply because I know what I personally enjoy. In this case, experiencing both sides is helpful to me. However, that is only because I actually enjoy being a bottom. I am a masochist. If I were not a masochist, I would not reap the same benefit from bottoming because I wouldn't enjoy it.

I don't think experiencing something you hate is remotely beneficial to learning how to perform it. I don't expect any tops I teach to let me top them first, especially if they are not masochists at all. I don't find that helpful. It would just upset the student. I do, however, let them practice on me, because I can then guide them from the proper perspective.

Peach is not a masochist at all. Pain makes her angry. Trying to have her bottom to the type of play I teach would probably just trigger her in a bad way. What I did do is make sure her first solo session was with me, so I could give her the perspective of the bottom that she would never have trying to bottom herself. She would gain no pleasure from the pain and thus have no frame of reference for judgement.

I hate it when people in the community try to say starting from the bottom is required or essential to being a good d-type, because it's not. I've met good doms who have subbed, I've met horrible doms who've subbed. I've met great doms who have never submitted a day in their life. It's a mixed bag.

The person who initiated this conversation on Fet said he felt that he should be willing to do anything he asks a submissive to do. I find this unrealistic and I said so.

I don't expect Daddy to do things he hates just because he wants them of me. I don't think the experience would improve his administration of them. One example I used was, I don't expect him to receive anal sex in order to give it well. The guy who wouldn't let it go took issue with my example and said you can still learn something from taking it up the ass. I'm sorry, but I don't see how him doing something he would find unpleasant would make the act any more pleasant for me.

Also, I can say from experience, receiving anal sex has taught me exactly nothing about giving it. I'd be completely freaked out by the idea of pegging anyone.

The thing is, certain experiences can be helpful for some people. They can be detrimental to others. Demanding that everyone learn the same way does more harm than good in the end. If it's something you want to do for yourself, then great. If you don't, don't think it's required for legitimacy. It's not.


  1. I love your opinion on this. I have met with many tops and bottoms and the ones that I talk to seem to share this opinion. I think it's just the logical one.
    I have also topped before, to see if it was my thing. I switch every now and then, but when it comes to what I really want, I want to be a pet/sub. It just suits me. I would freak out if I had to peg someone, too. Especially if it was my Owner (that and he'd freak out from the experience, too).
    Forcefully trying to trigger someone so they can "experience everything" isn't exactly wise. I know for sure there are things out there that people will and won't do, and they don't have to actually DO them to know that they DON'T want to do them or how well they will perform if they do or don't.
    At least he brought up this topic. I find this will really inspire some real talk.
    Lots of love,
    -Harvest Hellion (The Kinky Kitten)

    1. I had no problem with the OP who was simply stating how he ran his house. It was the jackwagon who kept harassing everyone who disagreed that got my goat. He kept bringing up how starting from the bottom is how Leather folk do it. I suppose he forgets that not everyone is Leather and that saying something is a Leather tradition does not in any way make it more creditable or legitimate than any other practice.