Friday, January 1, 2016

Lady Fapping: The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee

Over the course of my 5.5ish year stint on the kinky side of the internet, I can't help but notice a certain preoccupation of the human race with the dimensions of one's genitalia. According to Dr. Webbernets, males are supposed to be equipped with ginormous schlongs and females with compact twatular regions. Personally, this seems like poor mechanical design to me. I mean, sure, motion of the ocean and all that, but it's really hard to park an ocean liner in a river dock.

An approximation of what I can look forward to in strap-on
compatible dong form!
Unfortunately, Daddy is an ocean liner and I'm the river dock.

I've always been a touch nervous about this particular aspect of the relationship, especially since we've yet to...ah...consummate the relationship. My ex was of an average length and width, which proved taxing enough in my virginal state. Back when we were simply writing companions, I used to joke with Daddy that we could never be together because he'd kill me with his dick.  I'm still half afraid that he's going to kill me with the baseball bat between his legs, and that has influenced my masturbatory efforts.

I never dreamed I'd have to practice that. It seems ridiculous to me that while people rave about the benefits of Ben Wa Balls and Kegels, I'm over here shopping for a dildo version of an anal training kit. Because, Lord knows, I don't need to be tighter.

Hotdog down a hallway? Try cucumber through a straw.

So, as a result of dealing with the prospect of the U.S.S. Dicktanic, I have attempted to purchase some phallic friends to prepare for docking.

Big Boy's size relative to Little Brother (bottom) and Pink
Thunder, (top)
My first mistake was starting from the top. All of my toys up to the point I decided to do this were of an average size. I'm talking about  5-7 in. (~13-18 cm) insertible with a girth of 1-1.25 in. (~2.5-3.2 cm). In my fatal optimism, I bought a silicone monster that was as close to his size as I could find, about 8 in. (20.3 cm) long and 2 in. (~5 cm) wide, insertible. Which turned out to be a hilarious thing to whip out at parties, but not terribly useful in my quest to...broaden my horizons. It's so rigid and cold that I have never been able to fit more than 3 inches no matter how much I prep.

Prior to determining the uselessness of it, however, I bought a transitional piece at a Pure Romance party, clocking in at a whopping 1.75 in. (~4.44 cm) wide. I probably sound ridiculous and you're all probably sitting there thinking "That's not that big." Well, it is. Or I have a super tiny vagina. Either way, when you read the obituary titled Death by Dickzilla, know that I tried. I tried really hard.

Anyway, Pink Thunder here was a smidgen less intimidating to my lady parts, as I apparently have his little brother that I got at a Passion Party. What's the difference between the two, you ask? Nothing. Literally nothing besides the name. They sell the same stuff and you play the same boring vanilla party game where you admit to doing vanilla sex stuff and sit in people's laps. Or, rather, hover awkwardly in a half squat over their lap. And buy dildos that look eerily similar to the dildo you bought at the other one. Only bigger!

I made the attempt to use Little Brother, Pink Thunder, and Big Boy to sort of run a graduating train on myself after soaking them in hot water. Pink Thunder was a rousing, if moderately uncomfortable, success, but Big Boy has since been relegated to a Ziploc baggy in my dick duffel. I can't even with that thing. I just can't.

From left to right: Pink Thunder, Fuktion Cup, and Little
As it also turns out, 1.2 in. (~3 cm) to 1.75 in. (~4.44 cm) is still a fair bit of a challenge. Therefore, I've only really played with Pink Thunder a few times. I've since unwittingly bought the missing link in my chain of tools, in the remarkably squishy Fuktion Cup (I did not name this. It was on the package.). I didn't really know how big it was when I bought it, so I found it a bit disappointing when it hurt on the first attempt. It ended up measuring about 1.5 in. (~3.8 cm) in girth, which is apparently a bit of a leap after exclusively using a Hitachi for about 8 months to a year. Use it or lose it, ladies.

With the Fuktion Cup's addition, I now have a nice array of dick gradients with which to prepare for the Monster in my future. Moving up in nice little .25 in. ( ~.63 cm) increments. Eventually I might get around to fucking my way up the ladder I've built, once I've tired of riding my shiny new glass friends, that is.


  1. Vaginas are super stretchy! You will make it work eventually. Back in the dark ages, when I was barely beyond virin-hood, sex was painful to me for quite a while. I found the way finally when he made me ride on top. That way was good. Now, no problems with most positions, but back then I was not accommodating.

    1. My most successful individual effort has been in missionary. I'm half afraid of riding topside because of his length and my abject shortness. I'm not terribly fond of bottoming out. I'm finding glass works really well though, so I'm looking into purchasing thicker toys in that material.

  2. Might I suggest something like this: or this: (not affiliate links)

    First, they're 100% silicone so they're way safer than those pink things. But second, they're made for exactly what you're working on.

    There are others around the web. You might be able to find something cheaper. These are just the first two that came up when I googled.

    1. My toys are made from phthalate-free body safe materials, several of them are silicone. The two beige ones in the pictures are both silicone. However, I'm becoming rather fond of glass. I have a whole bagful of toys in different sizes besides the 4 pictured in this post.

      I probably won't buy a dilator set. I don't need the super small ones and the large ones in the sets I've seen don't quite get to the size I'm working toward. I can handle average sizes just fine. I'm just not used to the more hefty girths out there in the world.

      Well, I'm not used to actual penises, having more experience with toys than actual men.

      I do appreciate the advice though. I'd only ever seen sets like that in butt plug form. Had no idea vaginal dilators were a thing.

      Also, I really wish I knew how to pronounce phthalate.

  3. Even if you don't get the dilator set at the Tool Shed, I'm sure the girls there would be more than happy to talk to you on the phone about things. That's the only place in town that we drive to to get sex toys, especially expensive ones. They always have the best stuff.

    1. I generally buy all my sex toys online simply because it's usually cheaper that way and I can see reviews and stuff. We have two adult stores in my area, but one is primarily lingerie, and both are rather overpriced on everything. The two exceptions being the toys I bought at the sex toy parties, but those were primarily to help out the host.

      I'm not sure I'd be up for talking on the phone with strangers about sex toys. lol. I'm not terribly keen on talking on the phone anyway.

      I don't plan to buy any dilator set. My tightness issue is more lack of use than anything I suppose. I mean, my sexual experience with men is extremely minimal.

      However, it is a good resource for those who might have similar or more pronounced problems and I'm glad it's been included here just the same.

  4. Thanks for the comments