Wednesday, August 19, 2015

One and Only

I have always been monogamous. My attention span just isn't suited for multiple partners. When I throw myself into a relationship, I am very much absorbed in my partner. I have always said that I just don't have the energy to give more than one romantic partner what they need. I'm absolutely focused on what I've got.

Not to say that I haven't been poly adjacent at times. My first play date was with a couple. I can't say that that instance is much to go by, since I wasn't comfortable at all. I did serve as a pet to a couple for a few months, but it was nonsexual and never romantic. I have been play partners with those in relationships, but I have never been able to be poly. The idea of having sex with anyone aside from my partner physically repulses me. I was once kissed by a man in a relationship with a friend of mine. They were poly, but I wasn't. After it happened, I immediately went home and threw up.

Yeah, I'm that kind of monogamous.

I have found this to be another isolating aspect of my orientation, much like being straight in the sea of bisexual ladies. In every community I've been a part of, the vast majority of the other members practiced some form of non-monogamy. One feels a certain pressure, overt or implied, to be open to multiple partners, either on one's own part or on the part of their partner.

I've had others fish for scenarios where I would consent to or be okay with poly. One of them was basically "Well, what if his dick stops working. How about a male slave?" I wasn't even sure how to respond to that. I mean, I'm not attracted to submissive men, and if PIV sex is necessary, they make hollow strap-ons. I had a friend who owned one.

I also see a great deal of animosity towards monogamy from some non-monogamous people online. I've been told that humans are not naturally monogamous, that I've just been brainwashed by society into being monogamous. I've also seen the argument that animals aren't monogamous, and humans are animals, so humans aren't monogamous either. The first is just insulting, since there are many who have never felt a desire for polyamory, and the second is obviously fallacious because there are monogamous species.

I've been told that being monogamous is selfish and I shouldn't restrict my partner in such a way. I have also been told that I'm not really a slave because I want a mutually monogamous relationship, and expecting monogamy from a master is "controlling his dick." Both of these make absurd assumptions. Mostly, it's assuming that I'm somehow the only monogamous human being in existence and everyone else wants to date and/or fuck a bevy of people at once. It also makes the assumption that monogamous d-types/masters/whatever also don't exist or can't make choices for themselves.

Monogamous d-types do, in fact, exist, and even if it's selfish, who cares? You aren't required to be altruistic in your romantic encounters. I think it's okay to be a little selfish, even necessary at times.

I'm not sure if non-monogamous people feel the need to say these things to justify their own choices to themselves, or because they think the only way to make poly acceptable is to make monogamy seem unacceptable and strange.

The thing is, I'm living proof that there are monogamous humans. I haven't been brainwashed. This is just the way I am. I can't muster attraction to more than one man at a time. The thought of sex with multiple people literally makes me physically ill. I find it tiresome to have to justify my choices in a place where these kinds of choices are supposed to be personal and acceptable as long as they don't harm anyone or violate anyone's consent.

I am monogamous. I do find fulfillment in one man. I'm not ashamed of that and I don't feel guilty for not being comfortable with the idea of him having multiple partners. I mean, I might be willing to consent to that at some point if that's something he really wanted, but I would never be okay with it. He knows that. I fear that he might one day ask that of me, because it would break my heart. It's not in me to share with a happy heart. Not that. I give all of myself into a relationship. I don't like the idea of my efforts not being enough.

Now, you might accuse me of being monogamous out of insecurity. But, really, can you blame monogamous kinksters for being insecure at times, when they are so often told that being monogamous is wrong? I don't blame them. I don't blame me. Monogamy feels rare in this lifestyle. Perhaps that's not a universal truth, but it feels that way in what I have personally experienced. I think that has validity.

Some of us are made for many. Some of us are made for one. There's nothing wrong with either option, and we shouldn't feel like we have to denigrate the other choice to make our own more valid. That's not productive for anyone.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked


  1. I think it's absolutely terrible that you should defend yourself only because you feel comfortable being monogamous. I resent that people feel to shame you because you are monogamous and feel comfortable with that. As said in my post, no matter what people choose, whether monogamy, half-monogamy, polyamory or even staying single for the rest of their lives, others have no right to judge for that, but only to respect it. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Just be strong in your own beliefs and don't let others upset you. Stay true to yourself.

    Rebel xox

    1. Fortunately, most of the attacks are online only, and directed at monogamy in general and not specifically at me. I've only rarely felt the overt kind of pressure from my in person community, and it's been years since that has been an issue.

      I have to try and stay away from discussions about it online, because I just get furious and spend all my time arguing. lol

  2. Thank you for writing this. I have had a post like this in my drafts for a long time. You wrote it better. I struggle with similar issues. You are not along and have nothing to be ashamed of.


    1. I'm surprised, actually. I got the impression that you were into non-monogamous encounters based on previous twitter and blog posts. But I suppose it is a complicated issue.

  3. I'm monogamous, if that's your choice people should respect it. Maybe they aren't as happy with their choice as the claim to be? Generally that sort of attitude in any community, straight or kink, comes from guilt, jealousy or insecurity. You do what feels right to you.

  4. I`m a born female monogamous but belong to a polyamory group if that makes any sense at all? I submit to the two main ones of the group, a M/F couple, people come and go, come and stay. Over the years I have learnt that jealousy/envy are just natural emotions, which I work through. I am no cuck. Far from it. I think it is what works for you/him. 15 years ago, I was monogamous all the way, but time and experience changed me. I have no intention of taking on anyone else, nor do I submit to anyone with in the group, (nor top them). For me, personally it works well, and my Owners get the best of all worlds.

  5. I'm agree with you about the pressure from non-monogamous people. Being part of a sex positive community I feel as if I should have the emotional maturity to deal with opening my relationship. However I'm not able to, which actually creates a lot of conflict within myself. I want to share ! I want him to have fun but feel as though I'm holding him back. That isn't the case at all as we have amazing fun together. I should just accept I am who I am but it's never that easy is it!

    1. I think there is a problem with thinking that non-monogamy is the same thing as emotional maturity. I don't think wanting monogamy or mutual monogamy is emotional immaturity. It's a preference like anything else. I've seen plenty of emotionally immature poly people. I don't think it should be viewed as poly people are somehow more enlightened because of their polyamorous orientation.

  6. I think that there are more monogamous people than not, and hence why there are so many articles and people pointing out the fallacies of only-monogamy - because they're the ones who have to defend themselves for the most part, especially to "normal" society.
    But you shouldn't have to defend your monogamy to anyone, either. The beauty of relationships is that it's only up to the people involved.

    1. Oh, I agree that monogamy is more prevalent over all. It's only in the BDSM communities that I've seen those demographics are reversed. I see the merit in pointing out that there isn't only one option. It's when it gets to the point that people reverse the rhetoric to saying monogamy is no longer a valid option rather than that both monogamy and non-monogamy are equally valid options.