Sunday, August 23, 2015

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings



This week, Miss Kitty, the woman behind Skin Deep Photography, allowed me to take a picture of her modeling her new restraints last night. I chose to artify her and her beautiful birds. Her two favorites are the two on the left. Which is your favorite? 

Sinful Sunday

Friday, August 21, 2015

e[Lust] #73

Ht Honey by a fence
Photo courtesy of HT Honey


Welcome to Elust #73 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #74? Start with the rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

My shame
Has E L James broken erotica?
Sex Addiction is a Scam

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Goodbye, I'm Gone
sharing my inspiration

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

Eroticon 2015 Pay it forward

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days.

Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Non-Fiction

Watching you
His Vulnerability Creates Magic.
It really was a Wicked Wednesday
Paper
His First Cuckold Experience
Humiliation of an ex-Nazi submissive 53
The Pole Dancer

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Gentleman Is the Opposite of Feminist
My Criteria for Rating Sex

Erotic Fiction

The Hunt's Spectators
Peeping Tom
By the Sea, Part 1
Have You Been Naughty?
The Ritual
Triple Dog Dare
Eye Spy
Bound For Pleasure
Daddy Wants to Play

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Dealing With A Husband Who Can't Cum
The Menopause Diaries
Balancing the Scales
On Cheating
On language learning and sex

Writing About Writing

What I Intend When I Write About Sex
Writing Erotica as a Disabled Top

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

What else could be done with BDSM checklists?
Crafting Your Craft: Serving With Passion
Social Masochist
The Last Word
"Only submissive to someone special"

ELust Site Badge

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

One and Only

I have always been monogamous. My attention span just isn't suited for multiple partners. When I throw myself into a relationship, I am very much absorbed in my partner. I have always said that I just don't have the energy to give more than one romantic partner what they need. I'm absolutely focused on what I've got.

Not to say that I haven't been poly adjacent at times. My first play date was with a couple. I can't say that that instance is much to go by, since I wasn't comfortable at all. I did serve as a pet to a couple for a few months, but it was nonsexual and never romantic. I have been play partners with those in relationships, but I have never been able to be poly. The idea of having sex with anyone aside from my partner physically repulses me. I was once kissed by a man in a relationship with a friend of mine. They were poly, but I wasn't. After it happened, I immediately went home and threw up.

Yeah, I'm that kind of monogamous.

I have found this to be another isolating aspect of my orientation, much like being straight in the sea of bisexual ladies. In every community I've been a part of, the vast majority of the other members practiced some form of non-monogamy. One feels a certain pressure, overt or implied, to be open to multiple partners, either on one's own part or on the part of their partner.

I've had others fish for scenarios where I would consent to or be okay with poly. One of them was basically "Well, what if his dick stops working. How about a male slave?" I wasn't even sure how to respond to that. I mean, I'm not attracted to submissive men, and if PIV sex is necessary, they make hollow strap-ons. I had a friend who owned one.

I also see a great deal of animosity towards monogamy from some non-monogamous people online. I've been told that humans are not naturally monogamous, that I've just been brainwashed by society into being monogamous. I've also seen the argument that animals aren't monogamous, and humans are animals, so humans aren't monogamous either. The first is just insulting, since there are many who have never felt a desire for polyamory, and the second is obviously fallacious because there are monogamous species.

I've been told that being monogamous is selfish and I shouldn't restrict my partner in such a way. I have also been told that I'm not really a slave because I want a mutually monogamous relationship, and expecting monogamy from a master is "controlling his dick." Both of these make absurd assumptions. Mostly, it's assuming that I'm somehow the only monogamous human being in existence and everyone else wants to date and/or fuck a bevy of people at once. It also makes the assumption that monogamous d-types/masters/whatever also don't exist or can't make choices for themselves.

Monogamous d-types do, in fact, exist, and even if it's selfish, who cares? You aren't required to be altruistic in your romantic encounters. I think it's okay to be a little selfish, even necessary at times.

I'm not sure if non-monogamous people feel the need to say these things to justify their own choices to themselves, or because they think the only way to make poly acceptable is to make monogamy seem unacceptable and strange.

The thing is, I'm living proof that there are monogamous humans. I haven't been brainwashed. This is just the way I am. I can't muster attraction to more than one man at a time. The thought of sex with multiple people literally makes me physically ill. I find it tiresome to have to justify my choices in a place where these kinds of choices are supposed to be personal and acceptable as long as they don't harm anyone or violate anyone's consent.

I am monogamous. I do find fulfillment in one man. I'm not ashamed of that and I don't feel guilty for not being comfortable with the idea of him having multiple partners. I mean, I might be willing to consent to that at some point if that's something he really wanted, but I would never be okay with it. He knows that. I fear that he might one day ask that of me, because it would break my heart. It's not in me to share with a happy heart. Not that. I give all of myself into a relationship. I don't like the idea of my efforts not being enough.



Now, you might accuse me of being monogamous out of insecurity. But, really, can you blame monogamous kinksters for being insecure at times, when they are so often told that being monogamous is wrong? I don't blame them. I don't blame me. Monogamy feels rare in this lifestyle. Perhaps that's not a universal truth, but it feels that way in what I have personally experienced. I think that has validity.

Some of us are made for many. Some of us are made for one. There's nothing wrong with either option, and we shouldn't feel like we have to denigrate the other choice to make our own more valid. That's not productive for anyone.



Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Slave Bells


I have been dancing for years now, but I have never really had a dance community to call my own. The only classes in my area are tribal-based, so I have never really attended any. Peach takes every one she can sign up for, so I get to gate crash their haflas. I enjoy the voluminous skirts of the tribal dancers, their layered costumes, and the bright sounds of their zils. But I am ever a lover of the simple lines of the Middle Eastern costumes, the flashiness of glittering things, the tinkle of coins and bells.

Bells are my vice. Every dancer has the one costume piece they throw all their money at. Mine is bells. I adore them. I have a set in silver and a set in gold. I will collect more as I go, because, above all other pieces, bells are my favorites. I don't see a lot of dancers wear them, and that makes me feel a little unique.

They're just so fuckin' pretty.

Sinful Sunday

Friday, August 14, 2015

Light That Fire: Motivational Tools for S-types

I often find it difficult to find motivation to do certain things. These can be things I want to do, or things I don't want to do, but somehow I always find myself not doing them. My compulsions take top priority, the things my brain feels need to be done in order to keep the anxiety in check. There are things that just have to be done because bad shit happens otherwise. I think I would accomplish more if my power exchange were in person, as I would have the constant accountability to keep me going. And I just like to please him.

But, there are things that can be done to generate that motivation to achieve goals and complete desired tasks.

Setting Goals


First you have to set a goal, or, preferably, a series of goals. I think it's best to set goals in increments.  Find a realistic goal that you know is achievable. Once that goal is accomplished, you can set a new goal that takes you further. A series of small goals is a lot less daunting than a towering one that you may feel you can never achieve.

We'll use the example of weight loss, since that is something I'm attempting right now. I have set myself a goal of 35lbs (~16kg). Now, I may end up shooting for more, but 35 is a realistic goal for me. Something big enough that I feel accomplished, but small enough that I don't feel like it's impossible.


Or, in a more short term capacity, perhaps you want to deep clean the whole house. Instead of looking at the whole job, you can break it down to a room a day or a room every few days, depending on your schedule. One room is a lot easier to swallow than a house.

Track Your Progress


Find a way to track your progress in pursuing the goals you have laid out. Recording your efforts can have a number of benefits. Having to log it keeps you mindful of what you are actually doing. The responsibility of recording itself ensures that you are aware of what progress you are or are not making, and once you are in the habit of it, you may feel bad if you don't record. Tangible proof of progress can lift your spirits and motivate you to keep going.

This recording can take many forms. Continuing with the weight loss idea, I use myfitnesspal.com to keep a food and exercise diary. It does all the math for you, so all you have to do is input the information. It gives me a goal to work toward and allows me to keep track of my progress and be aware of what I'm eating and what kind of activity I do throughout the day.

There are also your basic to do lists, which you can tick off an item as you complete them. More checkmarks puts you closer to your goal. It's like points in a video game. More points equals closer to victory!

I also like to use charts. I'm very visually oriented, so charts make my brain happy. All the information is neatly organized in an aesthetically pleasing way. Prior to using MyFitnessPal, I was drawing my own weekly charts. I have also used the 90-Day Belly Dance Challenge chart to keep track of dance training. I've been rather lax on that one though, since I've been recording on MFP.

There's also the option of a diary/journal. Some d-types require the keeping of a submissive journal. Goals and progress are always good material for those.


Set Up a Reward System


Something is always a bit easier if you get something out of it. My suggestion is to bribe the fuck out of yourself.

On a diet? Have a cheat day. Allow yourself one day out of the week to indulge yourself. It will reinforce the good habits you're developing the other days of the week and keep you from feeling like you can never eat the fun stuff again.

Something I do when I do dishes, is I do a round, throw a new batch in the sink to soak and wander off for 5 or 10 minutes to watch TV or surf the net. I then repeat the process until I'm done. I haaaate dishes, but this makes the chore far more palatable to me. If my mother would adopt this method, she'd probably sound less angry in the kitchen. She likes to wash dishes without soaking and then bitches about the fact that the food won't come off.

Coming back to games, because I'm a gamer, it's the same concept. Get an achievement? Get a reward. Complete a task? Spend a little time watching a favorite show, reading a book, or playing a video game.  Or whatever you enjoy doing. Hell, reward yourself with sexy time. Sexy times are very motivating.

Find Accountability/Support


One thing that is important in achieving any goal is the support of those around you. If people are always working against you, it can be impossible to manage anything, unless you just thrive on confrontation. Get support from partners, friends, or family with your goals.


MyFitnessPal has a wonderful feature of being able to add friends, who can then like and comment on your activity and offer support for your fitness goals. I recently posted it in my local community forum and now there are several of them on the site right a long with me.

Find supportive forums where you can talk about what you're doing and get help with any difficulties you might experience while working on your goals.

Join a support group, if that's relevant to your goal. More support is more motivation. Peer pressure has its uses.

And, of course, there's always the option of making an arrangement with your d-type to hold you accountable for your work. That is, if it's not already a rule that has been set up. You can always request that a new rule be made to help you along. I have tried this before, but due to life stresses, it has not worked for me right now. Once things calm down, I'm sure I'd find more use in this method, as I really enjoy the control aspect.

Service and submission can be difficult at times. Just doing things you want to do can be difficult at times, but, if you really want to do something, there are always things to help you along. Just like with kinks and power exchange, there are a thousand roads to travel and a thousand different ways to light a fire under your ass. These are just some things that I have recently found to work for me, and I figured they might just work for you too.

How do you get motivated?



Sunday, August 9, 2015

Mustang Sally

I've never been much of a car girl. I have driven a pickup truck for the last 10 years and I love the utility of it. I'd have to say that if I had to pick a car that I found sexy, it would have to be the Ford Mustang, preferably the antique models. Dean's Impala runs a close second.



This right here is the 1965 Mustang my dad has been restoring for the last 4 years. A very sexy car, although not so sexy in the sweltering heat of a southern summer, especially with those spiffy black leather seats. 


Fortunately, he drove it home today so I could go ninja some pics of it for you guys. 


There's even a bit of me in the car. I painted the stripes on the Mustang logos. 


I want to drive it, but the heat index outside right now is 107 F, or nearly 42 C for my European readers, and I like having skin. 



Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Saturday, August 8, 2015

525,600 Minutes


It has been a tumultuous week for me. After a rather devastating text message, 8 unanswered phone calls, 5 voice mails ranging from angry to anguished, I considered myself single for roughly 36 hours. In that time, I already began planning for life without him. I started negotiations to move out with a couple friends. I began picking up the pieces the way I always do, by throwing myself into the net of my local community, and brainstorming how to find someone new.

His silence lasted for a day and a half. Then he was there again, more words on a screen. I listened. I gave my terms for continuing on. He agreed. So we try again.

He has a year, the year I will spend in a lease with my friends, to sort out the shit that led to breaking my heart. He has a year to repair the trust he broke with those few brief sentences and those 36 hours of silence.

We are not what we once were. A lot can change in 36 hours.

Two days ago I removed the chain that symbolized his ownership, the chain I wore 24/7 for more than two years. It's staying off for now. He has to earn that back. He has to earn a lot of things back.

Identifying with M/s as I do, I feel strange making demands of him, but I'm tired of being the one who gives my all in a relationship to feel like an afterthought. It's time for me to stop scrambling for his approval and time for him to prove himself to me.

And so it begins.


Sinful Sunday

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Crafting Your Craft: Serving With Passion

I think a unique opportunity presents itself when an s-type comes into the world of BDSM and power exchange prior to finding a partner. One is not bound to a set of expectations and desires to which they then need to conform. There is a lot of room for self exploration, to find the niches of the lifestyle that speak most to you as an individual before you "put yourself on the market" so to speak. However, any of this could apply to new couples coming into this as well.

See there's even a book!
I've read a lot fairly lately about submission or slavery being referred to as a "craft." This is an interesting turn of phrase for me, but I suppose that this can be a profession or an art like much anything else. But much like art...art itself, not a specific kind of art...there are unnumbered facets and crafts and methods and masterpieces. As always, I take the stance of individualism when it comes to kink. I don't subscribe to any uniform list of criteria that defines submission or slavery.

Well, you have the basic dictionary definitions of what those things mean, but the ways in which those concepts can be expressed are infinite.

There are many things a new s-type might explore on their road to figuring out just what kind of expression fits them best. I hate to imply that we are commodities that must sell ourselves well, but when ownership is such a prominent theme within the PE world, it's not a poor analogy I think. One always has to think, on both sides of the slash, what one has to offer another in a relationship and not just what can be offered to them.

With that in mind, I want to discuss the variety of skills and services that can be valuable to the novice s-type looking to figure out where they fit within the realm of PE relationships.

Churnin' out the scratch cookin'
like a regular Donna Reed. 
My first piece of advice is to look at the different styles of power exchange out there that are available to you. Learning about the styles that interest you can give you some direction on skills you might like to learn or cultivate and an idea of what dynamic might fulfill you best. For instance, I have found myself in a mixture primarily between the Odalisque style of slavery and a 1950s Household. I enjoy the domestic servitude aspect of the 1950s style, but I really get off on the fantastical nature of the Odalisquian fantasy, with its silks, dancing, and sensuality. 


Of course, you may find yourself pulling elements from a number of different "sub-genres" of power exchange. Odalisque and 1950s are simply the primary styles I draw from, but I also have an inclination towards the Domestic Discipline lifestyle. I also find Gor fascinating. I'm by no means Gorean, but I find some aspects of that realm inspiring. I would also advise, if slavery interests you at all, to perhaps study or at least look into different models of historical slavery in different cultures and see what inspirations you might draw from that. I particularly enjoy reading about Roman slavery and those forms associated with Middle Eastern cultures.

Some styles/subcultures/"sub-genres" you could learn more about:

  • 1950s Household
  • Domestic Discipline
  • Leather
  • Gor
  • Odalisque/Harem-style Slavery
  • Daddy/babygirl (not the same as Big/Little)
  • Owner/Pet (both human and animal styles)
  • Victorian (I'm not personally familiar with this one, but it was mentioned to me)
  • Owner/property
  • Total Power Exchange and Consensual Non-Consent (TPE & CNC)


Once you have decided what elements of service and submission from the various options that are out there, you might find that there are certain skills you want to gain or improve upon. The most important thing to remember when it comes to this is to choose activities, skills, areas of study in which you are interested, fascinated even. If you like what you're doing, if you find something intriguing, you will gain more from learning about it and work more to achieve whatever goals you might set for that area.

Now, I don't really study domestic service, but pulling from both of the primary styles I mentioned, two of my favorite service skills are cooking and sensual dance, belly dance in particular. I don't exactly go to cooking classes, but I do spend a lot of time watching the Food Network and fiddling around with new recipes. It is important to me to expand my repertoire, as I'm kind of picky, and Daddy doesn't like to eat the same things over and over again. I enjoy messing around in the kitchen and finding new recipes that I actually want to eat. I really enjoy learning how to make foods from scratch.
 
Belly dance is my favorite though. I've been playing around with it for a little over 4 years now, I think. I've never stepped foot in a class, but I have a solid investment in an instructional DVD library...that grew by 6 titles in the month of July. I also have a couple of essay anthologies about the dance form. It is probably the one thing, in the absence of an available swimming pool, that motivates me to exercise on a regular basis.

I'm not quite sure how I first stumbled upon it, but it was after I got into BDSM, so I assume that the initial spark came from my interest in slavery and the idea that Middle Eastern dance in particular would appeal to an owner. My first dom was not particularly supportive, but just a few months after we split, I started learning on my own. I've not maintained much diligence in that area, so my learning has been slower than it might have been otherwise, but lately I've found renewed motivation and expanded my collection with new lessons and routines to work with.

If you can find an area that you just can't stop learning about, pick it up. Someone is bound to find that skill appealing and useful, and if you love it, you'll be better at it in the long run.

There are a number of skills out there that you can find information on, books, classes videos, etc.

Financial



These could be valuable for any s-type, as we all know that there aren't as many billionaire doms wandering around as current trends in erotica would lead you to believe. I think a lot of writers make their dominants rich for the convenience of the plot, but the reality is that many of us are in lower income brackets, so learning how to manage money wisely is valuable for anyone. Your d-type may not want you to manage the household money, but having those skills never hurt, especially if you have a head for numbers. And a love of shopping.
Grown and
photographed by Kitty.

Domestic



The domestic skills are often the stereotypical types of nonsexual service one thinks about when imagining service in a PE relationship. The cleaning, the sewing, the making of the sammiches. Several of these topics can be very interesting though, and might be something you want to explore more in depth. I have an interest in learning vegetable and herb gardening, as well as other aspects of homesteading to put into practice when I'm finally able to relocate. These skills can also help supplement the financial skills above.

Leisure Skills
I recommend giant chess. 

  • Sensual/Erotic Dance
  • Massage/Reflexology
  • Musical Instruments
  • Singing
  • Literary Analysis
  • Debate
  • Current Events
  • Sports (playing of or knowledge of)
  • Games (Video, card, board, etc.)


These are the entertainment skills, things which your d-type might find pleasure in. These can also be a lot of fun for you, depending on your level of interest. Geisha might be a good example to look at here as far as the value of these skills. I can say, these are often the most fun...for me, anyway. Although, they can be a lot of work if you're wanting to "hone your craft."
 
Personal Care/Aesthetics

  • Hair Styling/Cutting
  • Manicure/Pedicure
  • Makeup Artistry
  • Body hair removal/care
  • Nutrition


These are your grooming services. I didn't throw in general bathing, because that's always up to personal preference. However, these are skills you can learn and even go to school specifically for them. Depending on your partner preferences, these may not be terribly high priority in some relationships. I'm sure a lot of female d-types would find several of these rather useful, though. Males too, of course, I would just assume that more female d-types will desire these kinds of services than males.
 
Maintenance/Artisan

  • Automotive Repair
  • Carpentry
  • Plumbing
  • Metalworking
  • Jewelry Crafting
  • Leather working
  • Lawn care/landscaping


I'm sure the practicality of these are obvious. These, just like all the others, can manifest as acts of service within a PE relationship. Things you thought were just hobbies can end up being very valuable as an s-type.

There are so many things out there that can be employed within the context of service, so many skills you may already have or have an interest in. I think people often limit their idea of what service is, and that's a shame. It's not just sex, or cooking, cleaning, and serving tea on fancy little trays. Even things that may be seen as vanilla can be expressed within a PE context. Now, what I have listed here is by no means comprehensive. I just wanted to provide a general idea of what is possible.  

Coming into this unpartnered does allow for some freedom in finding your interests and talents. Not to say that one can't experience equal freedom of discovery within an already established relationship, but I think disinterest on a partner's part can be discouraging sometimes. My ex wasn't really interested in my dancing. Daddy isn't enthusiastic about all of my homesteading interests. I do have a lot of leeway when it comes to finding things that interest me, but I always have to keep in mind what he likes and what he finds useful.

I encourage any s-type, new or otherwise, single or owned, to find the things that interest you and throw yourself into them. They might be more useful than you thought. The passion never hurts. 

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Ardent Voluptuousness

"The performers balance themselves on their haunches, inclining their heads right or left, make graceful gestures with their arms, and assume attitudes most charming and most impassioned; every thing breathes in them, while dancing, an ardent yet restrained voluptuousness." - from Melek Hanum's "Thirty Years in the Harem" (1872) as quoted by Andrea Deagon in "Harem Girls" an essay from The Belly Dance Reader



Sinful Sunday