Monday, June 1, 2015

Straddling the Slash

Can you miss something you've never really done? Or having not done it, does that mean you simply long for it? I think I miss this thing. A thing I've never really gotten the chance to do.

The long distance thing is hard. There are so many limitations imposed by distance. No corporeal physical affection. No use. No pain. Minimal obedience. No service.

No service.

Cajun Chicken Alfredo.
My favorite dish to make. 
Frankly, I feel useless here. So many things I could do, would do, if only I weren't a thousand miles away. Clean his house, even if I hate cleaning the one I live in now. Making him delicious food. Learning new dishes for him. Perhaps learning to cook vegetables in a way that would make me actually want to eat them. Running baths for him. Removing his boots for him because it probably hurts his back to do so.  Fetching him food and drinks, probably on a cute little serving tray.

And the sexual service, of course. Being the canvas to be painted red. Being manhandled, jerked about by a chain or my hair. Used for pleasure. Or simply used as a pet, the way one absentmindedly strokes a cat in one's lap.

I have this in me. It is my core, the part that forms my identity. However, for the last few years, I have existed in the public scene as a service top. In the dungeon I occasionally frequent, one could be forgiven for assuming I identify solely on the left side of the slash. I have topped every time I have attended. I haven't bottomed in public in close to a year. Or perhaps more than a year. I really don't know. It's only been within the last handful of months that the group has had a top that fits my owner's requirements.

Roughly 3 years that I have spent as a top in the scene a majority of the time. Being a top when it's not a part of your soul is exhausting. It does things to you. At first, I simply found satisfaction in the skill. Pride in one's craft, I suppose. It gave me something to do when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. It allowed me to learn about different physical aspects of kink even if I wasn't experiencing them myself. I've since developed the most basic sadism where I find the activity amusing on a funny level. But typically that only happens when I get challenged or trash talked. I attribute that to the brat part of me, but I'll never be a sexual sadist. I'll never "get off" on topping.

I find it hard now, though, to bottom in public. Serving as a top has provided me with a sort of shield. It removes me from a place of vulnerability in the public sphere.  There is less teasing. There are no come ons, no threats, good-natured or otherwise from other doms.

I realized this at the the dungeon this weekend, when Kitty found herself in a cage with our friend Bambi while Bambi's husdom tormented them through the bars. Other doms were egging him on, and he mentioned he didn't have permission to hit Kitty. Someone quipped that they could go get permission. I quickly informed them that there was no one to get permission from except Kitty because she is single. A free agent, as she called it, I think.

At that point, I realized that no one would make such threats about getting permission to "discipline" me, because no one there besides those from my local scene had any idea that I identify on the right side of the slash. It is hard to relinquish that protection. People really do give tops a lot less shit, or they feel more entitled to give an s-type shit because they are submissive and typically bottoms.

Despite my needs, I feel less and less inclined to step back into the vulnerable state that is being a bottom in public. My particular neuroses do nothing but amplify that reluctance.

Sure, I have the fantasy of offering service...for perhaps a night. To try and capture the essence of the subservience in my soul. To feel those things that give me that peace inside. But before I let myself take that step, I recognize the sub frenzy for what it is. My devotion is a hard thing to win. My submissive nature hard to bring out fully, because I respond to very specific dominant natures. I know that my desire is only the unquenched desire to serve him, to be subjugated by him.

Even through the frenzy, I know I'd regret any decision to put myself under the power of another, no matter how temporary. It wouldn't fulfill that need in me. Part of me would feel like I'm betraying the power I have given him, regardless of the fact that he'd wholeheartedly approve.

I probably have far more self-imposed rules for myself than ones he has provided for me. I lament that sometimes. I wish I could experience more of his dominance, that I could offer him some kind of service. I wish he asked more of me. Something that might abate the confusion and conflicted feelings that come with being a submissive top.


  1. I loved this writing and I found it to be very insightful and I even found a part of myself in it. I want to serve someone but I know I couldn't do a LDR and I want to learn to let my Top side out more in public.
    Fire_Ice_Goddess / Carol

    1. I kind of accidentally fell into an LDR after not finding anything suitable locally. I used to say I'd never do an LDR, but he and I had history.

      Topping is fairly simple as far as the physical aspect goes. And remember, I teach! lol