Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Word "Daddy"

I'm a fairly self-conscious person. I live in constant fear of humiliation. When I go out, I'm forever worried about being stared at or mocked, silently or otherwise. I am constantly smoothing my skirts to make sure my thighs are covered, adjusting my waistband to make sure that ever-present crease in my belly is smoothed out and the muffin top is well-contained, tugging at my blouse so that the stretch marks on my chest and the acne on my shoulders are out of sight. I rehearse conversations with salespeople and cashiers so I don't fiddle with awkward pauses or flub things with stuttering. I'll often not speak at all to avoid saying something that draws undue attention to me.

The bunny Daddy sent me. 
In this way, I have always been uncomfortable referring to Daddy as Daddy around others. Or even master. I have defaulted to referring to him as my owner on Fetlife. In my local group, I just default to my dom. I'm not sure why. I suppose for simplicity's sake. Daddy/babygirl dynamics are common around here, so referring to him as Daddy shouldn't bother me. But then, disorders rarely make sense, do they?

I have a thing for plushy alligators.
Perhaps I avoid it because I'm not in a Daddy/babygirl dynamic. I notice online, daddy doms are almost always associated with age play. Most DD/bg dynamics are associated with age play, even if many or most of them aren't. I've never done age play. My first dom expressed an interest, but he never got around to doing much of anything. Daddy has zero interest in age play. In fact, it creeps him out. Fortunately, he's not reacted negatively to any of my more childlike traits. Perhaps he expects it because I'm 13 years younger. Perhaps he simply expects a woman to have such traits.

I've never identified as a little. I have never really even figured out what makes someone a little. I have even less of an idea of what a middle is.

There was a brief period when I was active in the Dd/lg chatroom on Collarme, that I thought I might be some sort of little. I mean, I love stuffed animals. I like animated movies, especially those from the Disney Renaissance. I have some childlike mannerisms. Although, I'm not sure if they are so much childlike or adult imitations of what adults think is childlike. I also love to color those fuzzy posters with the super complex designs.

My favorites, yo.
I struggled with this a bit, when I was trying to find "me." Was this something I was? Or something I only resembled? I mean, most of the other women my age are into the same things. They're not littles. Well, some of them are. I hang out with a lot of kinky people. I think I know two littles. One is in her mid-twenties, the other in her 40s. Or at least little is one of the labels they identify with.

Is it simply because it's acceptable for women to retain childlike personality traits that they're almost expected to? I suppose one could go on and on about society's efforts throughout history to keep women as perpetual minors, but I'm not one to rage face about feminism.

Even as I explored various age play groups, I could never quite identify with the little crowd. It never clicked in my brain the way other things did.

I supposed that's a good thing, given Daddy's distaste for age play. I'm not sure how I feel about age play myself. I've never done it. I'm not even sure how you'd go about it. I feel like it involves a lot of dress up...

It's amusing that he doesn't like it though, since he has a big thing for pigtails. I've always considered pigtails to be a childish hairstyle. I think I look fucking ridiculous with pigtails. Repunzel + pigtails = hilariously awful. The one exception being two braids a la stereotypical depictions of Native American women, but I find those annoying to wear.

I also may or may not have a thing for unicorns.
And yes, that's a mini pillow pet and I love it.
I imagine if I were a little, I likely wouldn't advertise it much, much like I don't refer to him as Daddy around my friends. I do it here, because, well, I can't see your faces or hear you sneer with disgust if you do. Because, that's how people react to age play. It's often a case of love/hate. Either you love it or you think it's the most awful disgusting thing ever. Obviously that's not completely the case, but one gets that impression online.

Especially with the term Daddy. You will often see threads asking how anyone can call their partner Daddy. You typically get two responses. "I love that word!" and "Omg, that shit squicks me out so bad." Especially because Daddy is associated with age play, which squicks a lot of people, or it's associated with the "Sugar Daddy" which pisses people off.

I'm neither of these things. He's neither of these things. I asked to call him Daddy because sir has never felt right in my mouth and master just sounds so damned formal.  I associate all that is warm and fuzzy with the word Daddy, and perhaps the childlike part of my personality revels in it. It's affectionate, but still authoritative, much like our relationship.

I probably won't call him that in public though. Most people say I look 16, and his oldest is almost 18. I don't really want people thinking he's actually my father.

And I think about stuff like that.

'Cause I'm neurotic as fuck.

3 comments:

  1. Glad to see a post about this. I have been lurking for quite a while but this has poked me to speak.

    I have middle space as a psychological safe boot. I don't want to discuss it in detail here because it's a public forum, but when I boot into safe mode, I very much need my Daddy. But the rest of the time when there isn't that age thing? I still do. It's weird because my husband is three years younger than me, and I'm a man, but it's still a thing. We should talk about this sometime because I have many words on it and very much get both sides.

    <3 Crows

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    Replies
    1. I thought you called him Sir? At least, you have referred to him as such in the past. Also, you can post anonymously if you ever want to comment in a way you don't want identified with you.

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  2. Nah, it's cool.

    I have, but our relationship has kind of changed since I started transition. We're still trying to figure out where we are there. I have effectively become a fifteen-year-old boy in the body of a middle-age WTF, and my brain tends to cycle between fifteen and thirty-five at random. I'm not fit to be trying to be perfect for anyone until I even out some.

    I'll probably end up calling him Sir when our dynamic is a thing again. But I'm realizing more and more that it hasn't been "Sir" I've been needing this whole time, it's been "Papi."

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