Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Am I Jaded?

She called me jaded. Perhaps, she wasn't wrong. Her observations made as I sat across from her eating a rather mediocre burger at Friday's. They were more char than flavor and I wasn't enthused that my order of no veggies with mayo had resulted in no mayo with pickles hidden underneath the overcooked meat. Pickles are gross. Almost right up there with onions.

Perhaps she wasn't wrong, exuberant in her newness, fascinated by each new activity presented to her. I wonder if I was ever so excited just to bear witness to kink, in whatever form it might take. But I doubt it.

We sat there at our pre-munch munch, discussing the bondage activity that was to happen at the party.  Kitty sat beside me, and we both talked to Peach of the various demos we had seen over our four-ish year stint in the local scene. I confessed that I found most demos boring these days. I mean, after your 23rd fire demo, especially if you don't personally enjoy participating in fire play, the whole mystique of setting someone on fire tends to fade. When you yourself teach others how to throw a flogger, a flogging demo is tedium at best.

Perhaps, I simply don't like demos. They're very limited, to say the least. They typically concentrate on a single fetish, more often than not a physical activity, and it is a lesson rather than an experience. The emphasis is on technique rather than what is actually happening.

There is also my singular lack of voyeurism. Watching has never done much for me. I'm a tactile creature. I prefer to do rather than watch.

But, perhaps, it is also the singular nature of a demo or of any activity at a party. The simplicity of a single fetish being enacted at once lulls my brain into the soft hum of boredom from the lack of complexity.

The fantasies that come to my mind are nothing if not complex. It's never so simple as a spanking or a flogging. It is the trappings that surround the activity that make it truly profound. I can be the asexual bottom, but that is a shallow pleasure, a small itch to be scratched when needed.

What I need to be fascinated goes beyond that.

For instance, knife play is delicious of its own accord. The sweet sensation of a sharp edge sliding delicately across your skin, hinting at dangers but never quite parting the skin. I can lay prone beneath a blade and sink into the deep meditation one might experience while getting a massage.

Oh, but oh, what can be done with a knife when other games come into play.

Imagine, if you will, lying upon your back, on a bed, perhaps, soft and yielding beneath your naked flesh. The linens feel warm against your back while your front lays naked and exposed to the chilled air. Your limbs are pulled away from your body, secured in an open position, an inescapable position. A blindfold traps you in the darkness, just as you are trapped on this bed, spread and helpless.

Something hard and cold is placed upon your belly. A knife from what you can feel, lying harmlessly upon its side against your skin. It is gone again for the briefest of moments before you feel the thin sharpness of a blade being drawn over the sensitive flesh of your inner thigh. Your muscles contract against the sensation that almost feels like a tickle. Fortunately, and unfortunately, you are bound and unable to close your legs against the threat treading so close to the very core of you.

It's not just the knife against your skin, but the darkness, and the helplessness, and the anticipation of not knowing where it's going to strike. You don't often see something like this as a demo. If I saw something like this at a party, I might call it an exhibition. I rarely see much that incorporates multiple fetishes in combination at a party.

Even as a top, I typically only do a combo scene of sensation and impact. Generally no bondage, and
certainly no domination. Mmm, domination. The thing that seals the whole thing together for me. It's the element that is the key to my real pleasure, to exquisite enjoyment. Because, in the end, I'm a force girl. I enjoy the helplessness of not being able to prevent what's happening.

And that's not always kosher at a party. A lot of things won't be. One has to negotiate around the comfort of one's audience and the comfort of one's partner. As I previously established, I'm not a voyeur. Watching overtly sexual acts makes me uncomfortable. I can't even watch most porn. I'm also not an exhibitionist. The only people who see nudity from me are Daddy, Kitty (because she's my photographer), and perhaps other female play partners if we're playing in private.

I understand that the things that stimulate my mind won't generally be seen at a party. They can't. I understand that groups are often about education unless it's a private, closed group. With the constant influx of newbies, one has to keep going back to the basics time and again in order to keep people on the same page. I think the scene suffers sometimes because of this. There is a need to go more in depth into things, to go beyond BDSM 101 into the more fascinating aspects of kink and the lifestyle.

I don't think I'm jaded. I just think I've grown beyond the beginner stage of my kink, where the newness has lost its sheen. I have mastered the basic steps, what's left is the endless series of dances waiting to be composed.


  1. Nothing like sharp and pointy knives! It's been five years for me this last April. Someone needs to pull something good out of their hat if I'm going to get excited about things.

    1. I go mainly to hang out with other kinky people. I don't know that I've ever gone for the demos.