Monday, April 20, 2015

A Horse Among Unicorns: Embracing my Straight

Prior to entering the scene as an anxiety-ridden 19 year old, I had never had cause to question my sexuality. Perhaps, that was because prior to that year, my only form of sexual expression occurred within the romance novels I read and the copious characters I roleplayed online. But, upon finding BDSM, I was suddenly bombarded with the vastness of female bisexuality. Even before I found FetLife, a writing partner I'd been exploring with was trying to pressure me into writing bisexual scenes with him and other female writers. At the time, the concept made me nauseated every time I even tried.

In July of that year, I was led to FetLife by another writer friend, a bisexual male switch. I was much like every dumbass virgin newbie that crawls onto Fet, unsure of what was cool. Doing what my friend said I should to find friends. Naked women are certainly in abundant supply on FetLife, as are bisexual women. I probably know more bisexual women in the lifestyle than any other sexuality. That fall, I also moved into a dorm with my best friend at the time, who was also bisexual.

I was naturally conflicted. I'd never been remotely curious about women before, but suddenly I was surrounded by tits and women expressing interest in me where men never had before. I developed a relationship with a married couple about an hour from where I went to school, although my primary connection was with the woman. I made the incredibly stupid decision to go stay with them for a weekend to have my first kinky experience.

It was fairly disastrous overall. I did get a kickass flogging one night and a spanking the next, but the experience was fraught with painfully long awkward silences. A submissive virgin with a severe anxiety disorder with a couple who tried to make me decide everything. I took away a new confusion, my first kiss having been with a woman and my first remotely sexual experience with a couple. I thought then that I was likely attracted to women, despite the mild boredom I experienced while kissing her. I know now that those feelings were simply the arousal I experienced from the impact play, my confirmation that my masochism was more than just fap fodder relegated to fantasy.

My first slave bracelet. Given to me by
my roommate before I introduced her
to BDSM.
I proceeded to engage in an amitie amoureuse with my roommate. It was admittedly relatively chaste. It mostly consisted of existing around each other in a comfortable state of nudity with occasional petting. I would also take boudoir pictures of her when she started dating the couple I had initially played with.

Then it happened, I finally came upon a man who'd expressed interest, and foolishly entered into a relationship almost immediately. He refused to go to parties with me, and would not permit me to bottom at parties. My ultimate solution was to learn to top, which he agreed to, but his stipulation was that I only top women. So that is what I did, and it opened up the new can of worms. He ultimately pressured me into a sort of threesome, which a close friend agreed to participate in. It was horrifically awkward. No one ended up having any sex beyond us giving him oral. He had us fondle and kiss each other, but nothing more happened.

My wings from my first night with
my ex-dom.
It was that night that I realized I wasn't bi after all. Despite my friend's skill, kissing her was tedious. I just kept thinking Are we done yet? I'm bored. I wasn't repulsed by women sexually, but I wasn't attracted either. There was no chemistry at all. No spark. Nothing about the encounter aroused me at all. I was just bored. It seemed silly then, to even foster the idea of being into women when I so clearly wasn't.

Not that they really stop pressuring you after that. But that relationship ended, thankfully.

After I got out of that dynamic, I entered into a primarily nonsexual D/s arrangement with a couple I was friends with. I served as a pet to both the guy and the girl, although the girl and I would take turns topping each other. I topped others of different genders during that time. Because of this, I got more pressure from the community to "admit" that I was really bisexual.

Kitty's rack whilst chained to a rack.
I even had someone say to me that I really am bisexual, I just haven't admitted it to myself yet. It pissed me off royally. I was annoyed that their need for me to bisexual was more important than my actual sexuality, that they felt that my general comfort and affection with my female friends meant that they knew my sexuality better than me.

For the longest time, I listed myself as heteroflexible, because I felt that I somehow had to because of my willingness to top women and to be topped by them. Somewhere between my pet dynamic and my current relationship, I abandoned that label entirely and embraced the fact that was completely straight regardless of who I choose to whack with a whip on occasion.

Of course, new conflicts abound even while secure in my relationship with Daddy. He is stereotypical in his heterosexual maleness in that he has a thing for lady sex. I am unusual acquisition for him, as, in the past, he has typically dated bisexual women and fully encouraged them to have female playmates. Some he shared, some he didn't, but orgies were a fairly common feature of his life.

So, imagine him snatching up straight, monogamous me.

He, like my first dom, permits me to play with cisgendered women, although he permits me to both top and bottom. The bottom part has been few and far between, as there are a dearth of female tops in my area. I often have to train my own tops. Which I have no problem with. Peach is my latest "mentee."
My butt after Peach's attentions.
I'm too pale for good photos. XD

Last night, she had her first solo session with me. I worked myself up with anticipation as I am wont to do when I have been reading copious amounts of smut, cranking up the horny into my more easily swayed state. She did wonderfully for her first solo top, but I come away with the same feeling I get every time I'm topped by a woman. I'm just so painfully straight. I mean, I experienced basic arousal from the play because I am a masochist and a knife whore and nothing will change that, but...

It's not the same. I often talk of how I can separate masochism from sex, but without the domination and the sex, it's just not the same.

Joking about lesbians doing things
to my butt. 
It's in these moments that I feel I have somehow failed at something. It's no fault of the tops I play with. It's not a reflection of their work in the slightest. I just can't sink into a feeling I can't experience in the first place. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I can't please Daddy by liking women and wholeheartedly enjoying a female playmate.

I shouldn't. My straightness should not be a failing on my part. It shouldn't be a detriment to me. I shouldn't be ashamed of it. I shouldn't have my opinions discounted because I happen to be wired for heterosexuality, although I have had people on FetLife write off my responses because of it.

He's not a complete dick though.
I am moderately disappointed that Daddy places no limits on what I can do with another woman. He says "You just need to remember that I usually date bisexual girls and encourage them to have a playmate."

Well, you have to understand, that I am not simply heterosexual. I am what I clumsily term "monosexual." Even if I managed to be bisexual, I am utterly incapable of feeling sexual attraction for more than one person at a time. Theoretical acts? Yes. People? No.

Also, vaginas. I just can't with the vaginas.

Or the vulvas. 'Cause they're not the same thing.

6 comments:

  1. Very nice. Sometimes the overwhelming rush of unrepressed sexuality can cause some people to forget that not everyone has an alternative attraction beyond the "im a heterosexual person in a relationship with my one heterosexual partner and im 100% happy". You are content with men. Just men. You don't mind if other women are LBGT or whatever, but you understand yourself and are happily content. *claps* You are another step closer to self enlightenment sexually.

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    1. I never thought I'd be in a place where being heterosexual and monogamous was unusual.

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  2. I think you do not need to apologize at all for this

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. Based on some feedback I've received from women in my local community, it's not just me who has felt the subbies gotta be bi pressure.

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  3. Wow! I don't know why you can't just be yourself and do what you are comfortable with. People are jerks and it would be nice if everyone would cut you a break. My head is just spinning from all that in your post. Five years ago I started my crazy adventure jumping into the local lifestyle groups and going to events in my area. I felt like people around me were vultures ready to snap me up as fresh meat. It was annoying as hell!

    Hugs to you, and if you want to talk more, get a hold of me.

    Kathy

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  4. I think the problem is, what you want is inevitably going to be the rarest thing there is, so a lot of people try to force others to fit their criteria so they don't have to spend so much time looking. There's always going to be some pressure to be something you're not, especially when everyone around you is looking for...something.

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