Sunday, March 15, 2015

Lady Fapping: The Dangers of Ass Spelunking

I have been contemplating a post about female masturbation for a little while now, although I must admit I had only previously imagined a singular post about how much effort it takes to fap as a chick. After a recent mishap with a new toy and realizing just how many sex toys I've actually acquired at this point, I figured I'd turn this into a series. So, here be the first installment of Lady Fapping, heavily inspired by my recent "oh, shit!" moment.

Anal sex was one of the first sexual acts I did. In fact, that and blow jobs comprised nearly all of the sexual contact I had in my first relationship. Strangely enough, I didn't buy any real sex toys until several months after that relationship ended.

My first toy was this little guy:

From TWMT: The Lone Warrior


A gift from my play partners at the time, I think it was bought more as a joke. They told me they bought the tiniest dildo they could find. Wholly unsatisfactory as a vaginal item. Worked for the clit okay. It ate watch batteries like a mother fucker though and no longer vibrates as far as I know. I've never tried to put new batteries in it in the last few years. But this little guy became the first intrepid ass spelunker of my collection.

Despite the fact that my ex didn't seem to know that lube was a thing, I've always enjoyed anal stimulation with toys of certain sizes. I found that this simple addition to enhance things quite a bit. Alas, combined with clitoral action, climax is disappointingly swift and I have no time to fantasize about all my weird sex slave harems.

When I'm playing with a vibe and can't quite get off, I think about my various plugs, but typically I'm too lazy to go bother.



This is my collection of plugs ranging in thickness. The two at the bottom are almost never used. The beige one is 1.5" thick at it's thickest point and the pink one, while buzzy is a rather intimidating 1.75" thick. I've just basically determined I can't use them on my own because they are physically difficult to actually get in. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to deal with his actual penis.

Quickly becoming my favorite is my latest acquisition; this adorable jelly plug I picked up at a Spencer's.



I saw it and instantly wanted it. I have to say, I absolutely hate the plugs with a round, flared base. Useful? Perhaps, but extremely uncomfortable in the long term if you are remotely squishy. I liked the fact that this thing had a ring instead.

I loved it.

Right up until the moment I lost the little fucker.

You know? They really shouldn't make the ring bit squishy. A lot of thoughts go through your mind when part of you eats a toy.

Holy shit, will I ever get it back? 
Why is the ring squishy???
I don't want to have to go to the hospital. 
I definitely don't want to explain this to my doctor.
Oh no, my doctor's nurse is my mother's best friend. This is not good.
WHY THE FUCK IS THE RING SQUISHY?

Needless to say, I recovered it, although not without some mental trauma due to a bit of bleeding.  But, frugal and stubborn creature that I am, I have not wasted $13 on a toy I can't use. I happen to have a little wireless bullet I got as a freebie when I ordered one of my various toys from Adam&Eve that fits neatly into the ring.



Now, not only won't it get lost, it vibrates too!

Win-win, I'd say.

Seriously, lady fapping is way too damn much work, and apparently dangerous too. Maybe I should have Daddy read these before he decides to assign mandatory toy time with all the frills (something that has occurred in the past and was immensely frustrating). Masturbating is exhausting.

Just gimme my wand.

-eyeballs the bag of sex toys on the edge of the bed-

This thing came with a kit I bought. I haven't drummed up
the balls to try it out yet. Is not very bendy. 

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