Sunday, November 16, 2014

I AM FATTICUS! On Being a BBW In and Out of the Lifestyle

Weight is a rather complex and controversial issue. It is  rather close to me, as I have been on the plus side of the spectrum for most of my life. I grew up as one of the fat kids and while I didn't experience a great deal of bullying as a child, what I did get centered around my size. I would hazard that my reprieve came from the fact that for much of my childhood, at least from late elementary school to about the eighth grade, (when I lost 40 pounds) I presented myself as a tom boy. I wore my dad's old t-shirts because they fit. Most of my friends were boys. The only dresses I owned were because they were required for an academic competition I did from about 8 to 11 years old.

It was only when I started presenting myself in a more feminine way that I started getting more pointed insults. The school's constant need to run the bullshit BMI screenings and fitness tests didn't help. I remember in P.E. one year being made to jump rope and the coach kept bitching at me because I had to jump twice per swing. I always refused to participate in the BMI screenings. I wouldn't take the permission slip home to be signed. I didn't need them to tell me what I already knew, because the world had been telling it to me since the age of six when my pediatrician told my parents to stop giving me snacks. I certainly didn't want to be another of their fat kid statistics that measure weight and not fat percentages.

Source: Why BMI is not a measure of health


Coming into the kink and dating world, as they are one and the same for me, was a bit intimidating. I have always preferred a type that is pretty much the exact opposite of my body type. You know, tall, muscly, strong as an ox. I find a I have a taste for martial artists and fighters. Blame the historical romance novels full of burly Highlanders kicking ass. Society has trained me to be a bit surprised when someone like that is attracted to me. So, naturally, I feel lucky that both of the partners I've had have been more towards that end of the spectrum than mine.

Now, I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel like a man I find attractive choosing to be with me is doing me a favor by doing so, and it bothers me how many in the kink world seem to perpetuate this idea.

I can say that I have not experienced any fat shaming in my local community. Most of the women in my community qualify as BBWs, so you won't see any fat hate there. They are the only people I have performed in front of, as they are the only people who I feel won't judge me as a large belly dancer. They have always been super supportive of my dancing.

This is not me, but she is awesome.

Most of the flack I get is on the internet, whether that be imagined obligations of a submissive or slave (particularly female ones), fat-based hate mail from supposed doms, or fat shaming comments on my belly dance videos on YouTube. I mean, God forbid a big woman dance on YouTube, right? I can't tell you how many messages I got on Collarme back when I was on the site that were just random guys popping in to call me fat, or cow, or pig. I am baffled by the amount of people who waste their time verbally abusing large people on the internet, and the fact that doing so is essentially socially acceptable. I don't know if they think they can shame people into not being fat, or simply don't think fat people deserve to be treated as people because of all the bullshit stereotypes the media feeds to people.

Speaking of bullshit stereotypes, here are 9 Facts That Shatter Bullshit Stereotypes About Fat People. I found this lovely bit of awesome in my Facebook feed, and everybody should read it, because yes.

There also seems to be some misconception that s-types are obligated by virtue of being s-types to be fit and trim. I can't tell you how many doms complain about their local communities being full of fat subs. Or, people complaining that only fat people are in the lifestyle and why don't they want to take care of themselves? It comes from the s-types too. Granted, the most recent example of this that I noticed was an obvious troll (I hope).

She informed a group, named "Fat, Dumb Sluts" (odd place to go fat shaming in, right?), that she minored in health, so fat is bad. However, men can be whatever shape and size they want, but it's a woman's duty to stay slim and attractive for men. Now, I would hope that much stupid couldn't exist in one place, but who knows? If she's serious, I guess it didn't occur to her that some men like big women. I mean, it has its own genre of porn.

There was one man a while back who asked about the phrases "big and beautiful" or "big is beautiful" and called them "fucking ridiculous," trying to claim that these positive statements about size were somehow body shaming slim people. Seriously though, if big people feeling good about themselves makes slim people feel bad about themselves, they have way more issues than weight.



For a while now, the song All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor has been floating around as the latest body positivity song. Granted, it contains body shaming of thin people, so it falls short of the mark on being a truly body positive song. There was a discussion about the video in a submissive forum I participate in. One poster mentioned how her cousin was a model and that her cousin "deserved to be recognized as beautiful." I just couldn't really process that concept. Beauty is a standard of convention. Being conventionally pretty is not a skill. It's the luck of the genetic draw. Her claim was that her cousin's ability to maintain the balance of thin and curvy was a skill. I just don't understand the idea that pretty people deserve to be recognized when beauty is subjective. She also asserted that a woman's "ability to exhibit physical health is her most valuable trait in the dating world."

-sigh-

Weight, of course, is as part of the power exchange scene as anything else.

Weight Restrictions
Forced Exercise
Forced Dieting
Diet Control
Fat Fetishes
Weight-based Humiliation and Degradation play

I don't really have experience with any of these things. I can see the benefit of them if one desires to lose weight and needs or wants the extra motivation of the PE context. Or those who simply enjoy that kind of control. My former dom tried to do required exercise, but he never asked me about it or brought it up after the first week. With no motivation, positive or negative, I assumed he didn't care and lost interest in the idea. My owner is exclusively interested in large women and won't even allow me to refer to myself as fat or any other derogatory weight-related term.

Source


In fact, we were discussing dinner service habits and I mentioned that leaving the pots in the kitchen and not putting out serving dishes keeps you from being tempted to get more food. His response? "No, if I'm cooking something really good, I want you to sit there and eat until you feel like you're gonna die."

I'm thankful for him. Thankful for the fact that he is more comfortable with my weight than I am. For the way he grumbles every time I talk about weight loss or complain about having to go up a size in jeans. Thankful for the community I'm in where I can be embraced as beautiful no matter my size, where I can dance without shame.

So, all the fat haters and fat shamers who think my size is a case of overeating and being lazy?

Fuck you. I'm a belly dancer. I'm an archer. I have a full time job. I don't stuff my face. I am a person, and deserve to be treated like a human being. I have a wonderful owner who loves my size and wouldn't have me any other way. My weight is not a marker of my health. And I am not morally obligated to fit your standard of beauty.

I AM FATTICUS!


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