Friday, September 26, 2014

Shit My Daddy Says: Volume 1

These are some snippets from conversations I've had with Daddy. He says some really funny shit sometimes.

After buying a huge knife for knife play:

Him: I find it funny that you are more afraid of my penis than the huge fucking knife I bought thinking about you. 99% of the female population would look at my dick and drool, and the knife and run. You're the other way around."

-

Me: What size butt plug would you recommend?
Him: That's a hard question. Depends really ... [For you], probably about 3 inches insertible length and 2 inches wide.
Me: 2 inches???? O.O
Him: That's about how thick I am...
Me: I'm gonna die.
Him: Try 1.5 then.
Me: You're still gonna kill me.
Him: Two inches around [he meant wide] isn't that big...
...
Him: I'm not gonna kill you...probably. Do you like my t-shirt?

-

-Shows him a picture of some glass dildos and later explains they are dildos and not pot pipes-

Him: Those is lil dildos.
Me: They're average and a bit above on a couple.
Him: -Looks down- Well, I have a different frame of reference.
Me: Braggart.
Him: Tell me I'm wrong.
Me: Yes, daddy. -clears my throat- You are the wrongest of wrongs to ever wrong. -giggles and runs away-

-

On his love of big girls:

"I have a big penis. If she's skinny, that's gonna look like a scene out of Aliens. I don't need to track that shit like a hurricane."

"One thing that will make my dick limp just like that is muscle definition on a girl. Calves? Okay. Thighs? I can deal with that. But if I can see an abdominal muscle? Noooo. And if I can see rib? No fuckin way. Go eat some pasta and come back when you've gained about twenty pounds."

-

On Gorean concepts:

Him: You wanna be my bed warmer. :)
Me: Among other things.
Him: Kitchen wench. :P
Me: That too. I think the Goreans call it "kettle and mat."
Him: I have no idea who those people are or what that means ... Sounds like something you lay on after it feeds you, which is a bad order. I want sex, then a sandwich.

-

On loopholes:

Him: You know what I am talking about so do not make me word it [rules] like I'm making a wish to a djinn.
Me: If I dress up like a djinn, then can we play the loophole game?
Him: No.

-

Regarding the use of the forbidden word "fat" and subsequent face raping:

Him: If I don't like what's coming out of your mouth, I'm going to like what's going into it.

As well as:

Him: You'll learn...or you'll lose your gag reflex.

-

Regarding my ex:

Him: He was a pussy. No two ways around that fact. And you should be offended that he called himself a dom instead of a douche.
Me: If he had called himself a douche, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.
Him: Which is why you should have been offended. He false advertised.

-

While discussing safe words:

Me: I tend to just use plain English.
Him: "No, stop" isn't exactly a good idea during rapey play.
Me: I more meant along the lines of "I can't feel my foot" or "I need to puke."
Him: Ew.

-

On punishment:

Him: Normally I very nicely correct poor behavior...Then later beast fuck the life out of you.
Me: After the first offense? Or repeat offenses?
Him: Usually after the second. Unless I'm just in the mood to beast fuck the life out of you.

-

On personal quirks:

Him: Never ever tell me what I am about to eat is unhealthy. I hate that.
Me: Considering how I eat, I wouldn't exactly have room to talk. Unless you eat a can of frosting like it's ice cream. My dad does that when I bake cakes. If you do that, I reserve the right to tease you mercilessly.

-

Him: Little known fact they don't tell you in school: If you get into a fight with a midget and you lose, you become a midget. So if you see me and I'm suddenly 4'10"...

-


Him: That Britney Spears Circus perfume? Smells like sex and clowns and shame. It's like cotton candy and ass. Can't do it.

-

On the size of his house:

Me: That's one big ass trailer.
Him: 24 by 52, I think.
Me: ...yeah, my brain can't picture what that means.
Him: Well, it's about 5 rabbits by 10 and a quarter rabbits.
Me: I love how I've become a unit of measurement.

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