Friday, September 19, 2014

Because He Fucking Said So.

My major mental quirk happens to be OCD. Now, I've been formally diagnosed with social anxiety, but that's wrapped up in a giant ball of OCD. I'm not the germophobe flavor of the disorder. Germs don't particularly bother me, but I don't like anything wet or slimy that isn't water on my skin.

Yeah, we use phones like this at work and I am unkinking that
bitch every 10 minutes. 

 My primary obsession is the irrational fear of people thinking I'm stupid. This comes with the compulsions of general avoidance of people, rehearsing interactions with service industry workers or rehearsing phone conversations, obsessive planning, and constant checking, as well as a touch of physical paranoia. I want explicit instructions for a task to make sure I get it done right. Once I find a method of doing something I like, I have to do it that way, or I'm not satisfied with the result.

A consequence of this is the need to know the purpose of the things I'm doing. I need to know what I am accomplishing by doing something, or what need I'm serving. I need what I'm doing to make sense, even if it makes no sense to anyone else. But if someone wants me to do something, I need to see a logical reason for it.

So, naturally, I ask why a lot. I need to know the motivation behind things. It's kind of like a small child.

"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why?"



Now my owner isn't really into micromanagement. He doesn't want to be asked for permission for every little thing. He freely admits after a certain point he'll just say no out of spite.

So, we were discussing the concept of "why," and he tells me:

"You get maybe 3 whys before it becomes 'because I fucking said so.' You know what? Just repeat that little mantra to yourself. 'Because he fucking said so.' ... I'm 36 and I'm set in my ways ... I didn't become a dom to be questioned."

Our phone calls are never particularly long due to time constraints and reception availability, so I don't always get to say all I want to say in response to some of the things he says. Sometimes I ruminate on it and come up with more things to say about it later. Partially because of my disorder centering around the feelings I elicit in others, or the feelings I think I'm eliciting in others.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. I mean, I didn't know whether to find that hot or to be insulted at the implication that I didn't know my place with him. I mean, I don't think it has been an issue that we have experienced personally. Not yet, anyway. At this point, he honestly doesn't give a lot of orders or make many requests. I kind of wish he did ask more of me. But, I've never had much reason to whip out the why monster with him.

I expressed my conflicted feelings.

"Just go with hot."

Of course, right?

He's never struck me as a very impractical man, so I can't imagine it being an issue with orders. His reasoning is fairly transparent with most things. It'd probably come up more in non-compulsory situations regarding how he personally does shit, or with things I've never done before.

I keep thinking of random quotes from the Gor novels, because that's what I happen to be reading right now, and the one that keeps popping into my head right now is "curiosity is not becoming in a [slave]."

But, hey, I'm not a kajira, and I'm not a cat, so I guess I'll continue being curious, because...


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