Friday, September 26, 2014

Shit My Daddy Says: Volume 1

These are some snippets from conversations I've had with Daddy. He says some really funny shit sometimes.

After buying a huge knife for knife play:

Him: I find it funny that you are more afraid of my penis than the huge fucking knife I bought thinking about you. 99% of the female population would look at my dick and drool, and the knife and run. You're the other way around."


Me: What size butt plug would you recommend?
Him: That's a hard question. Depends really ... [For you], probably about 3 inches insertible length and 2 inches wide.
Me: 2 inches???? O.O
Him: That's about how thick I am...
Me: I'm gonna die.
Him: Try 1.5 then.
Me: You're still gonna kill me.
Him: Two inches around [he meant wide] isn't that big...
Him: I'm not gonna kill you...probably. Do you like my t-shirt?


-Shows him a picture of some glass dildos and later explains they are dildos and not pot pipes-

Him: Those is lil dildos.
Me: They're average and a bit above on a couple.
Him: -Looks down- Well, I have a different frame of reference.
Me: Braggart.
Him: Tell me I'm wrong.
Me: Yes, daddy. -clears my throat- You are the wrongest of wrongs to ever wrong. -giggles and runs away-


On his love of big girls:

"I have a big penis. If she's skinny, that's gonna look like a scene out of Aliens. I don't need to track that shit like a hurricane."

"One thing that will make my dick limp just like that is muscle definition on a girl. Calves? Okay. Thighs? I can deal with that. But if I can see an abdominal muscle? Noooo. And if I can see rib? No fuckin way. Go eat some pasta and come back when you've gained about twenty pounds."


On Gorean concepts:

Him: You wanna be my bed warmer. :)
Me: Among other things.
Him: Kitchen wench. :P
Me: That too. I think the Goreans call it "kettle and mat."
Him: I have no idea who those people are or what that means ... Sounds like something you lay on after it feeds you, which is a bad order. I want sex, then a sandwich.


On loopholes:

Him: You know what I am talking about so do not make me word it [rules] like I'm making a wish to a djinn.
Me: If I dress up like a djinn, then can we play the loophole game?
Him: No.


Regarding the use of the forbidden word "fat" and subsequent face raping:

Him: If I don't like what's coming out of your mouth, I'm going to like what's going into it.

As well as:

Him: You'll learn...or you'll lose your gag reflex.


Regarding my ex:

Him: He was a pussy. No two ways around that fact. And you should be offended that he called himself a dom instead of a douche.
Me: If he had called himself a douche, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place.
Him: Which is why you should have been offended. He false advertised.


While discussing safe words:

Me: I tend to just use plain English.
Him: "No, stop" isn't exactly a good idea during rapey play.
Me: I more meant along the lines of "I can't feel my foot" or "I need to puke."
Him: Ew.


On punishment:

Him: Normally I very nicely correct poor behavior...Then later beast fuck the life out of you.
Me: After the first offense? Or repeat offenses?
Him: Usually after the second. Unless I'm just in the mood to beast fuck the life out of you.


On personal quirks:

Him: Never ever tell me what I am about to eat is unhealthy. I hate that.
Me: Considering how I eat, I wouldn't exactly have room to talk. Unless you eat a can of frosting like it's ice cream. My dad does that when I bake cakes. If you do that, I reserve the right to tease you mercilessly.


Him: Little known fact they don't tell you in school: If you get into a fight with a midget and you lose, you become a midget. So if you see me and I'm suddenly 4'10"...


Him: That Britney Spears Circus perfume? Smells like sex and clowns and shame. It's like cotton candy and ass. Can't do it.


On the size of his house:

Me: That's one big ass trailer.
Him: 24 by 52, I think.
Me: ...yeah, my brain can't picture what that means.
Him: Well, it's about 5 rabbits by 10 and a quarter rabbits.
Me: I love how I've become a unit of measurement.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Because He Fucking Said So.

My major mental quirk happens to be OCD. Now, I've been formally diagnosed with social anxiety, but that's wrapped up in a giant ball of OCD. I'm not the germophobe flavor of the disorder. Germs don't particularly bother me, but I don't like anything wet or slimy that isn't water on my skin.

Yeah, we use phones like this at work and I am unkinking that
bitch every 10 minutes. 

 My primary obsession is the irrational fear of people thinking I'm stupid. This comes with the compulsions of general avoidance of people, rehearsing interactions with service industry workers or rehearsing phone conversations, obsessive planning, and constant checking, as well as a touch of physical paranoia. I want explicit instructions for a task to make sure I get it done right. Once I find a method of doing something I like, I have to do it that way, or I'm not satisfied with the result.

A consequence of this is the need to know the purpose of the things I'm doing. I need to know what I am accomplishing by doing something, or what need I'm serving. I need what I'm doing to make sense, even if it makes no sense to anyone else. But if someone wants me to do something, I need to see a logical reason for it.

So, naturally, I ask why a lot. I need to know the motivation behind things. It's kind of like a small child.

"Because why?"

Now my owner isn't really into micromanagement. He doesn't want to be asked for permission for every little thing. He freely admits after a certain point he'll just say no out of spite.

So, we were discussing the concept of "why," and he tells me:

"You get maybe 3 whys before it becomes 'because I fucking said so.' You know what? Just repeat that little mantra to yourself. 'Because he fucking said so.' ... I'm 36 and I'm set in my ways ... I didn't become a dom to be questioned."

Our phone calls are never particularly long due to time constraints and reception availability, so I don't always get to say all I want to say in response to some of the things he says. Sometimes I ruminate on it and come up with more things to say about it later. Partially because of my disorder centering around the feelings I elicit in others, or the feelings I think I'm eliciting in others.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how to take that. I mean, I didn't know whether to find that hot or to be insulted at the implication that I didn't know my place with him. I mean, I don't think it has been an issue that we have experienced personally. Not yet, anyway. At this point, he honestly doesn't give a lot of orders or make many requests. I kind of wish he did ask more of me. But, I've never had much reason to whip out the why monster with him.

I expressed my conflicted feelings.

"Just go with hot."

Of course, right?

He's never struck me as a very impractical man, so I can't imagine it being an issue with orders. His reasoning is fairly transparent with most things. It'd probably come up more in non-compulsory situations regarding how he personally does shit, or with things I've never done before.

I keep thinking of random quotes from the Gor novels, because that's what I happen to be reading right now, and the one that keeps popping into my head right now is "curiosity is not becoming in a [slave]."

But, hey, I'm not a kajira, and I'm not a cat, so I guess I'll continue being curious, because...

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Wicked Wednesday: Talk Dirty To Me (A Poem)

Talk dirty to me.
Wait. Don't.
Talk flirty to me.
Just enough to tantalize,
Make me fantasize,
and realize
There's more than just
Between us.

Talk nerdy to me.
Prove there's a brain
Somewhere in that mane
Not just below decks
where everything is
And all that shit
you think
is sex.

I am
a product of
a place and time
far back and away
in books of love
where the harsh
of what is now called
gave way to more

Talk wordy to me.
Give me more
Than the crass love
You learned from por...
pondered late at night
by the glow of pixel light
to the sounds
few women have ever made
in their life.

So, talk dirty to me.

You want to jizz all over my face?

Just shut up.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Monday, September 1, 2014

Slave Mythology: If It Quack's Like a Slave: Slave Speak

Okay, so a lot of people seem super concerned about how s-types talk to d-types or how they speak in general. Because, apparently we have to talk in some specific subly way in order to be considered proper s-types. I've heard all the ridiculous notions about addressing all d-types with honorifics, which I discussed my opinions on in a previous post. One of the most ridiculous things I've ever read was "a submissive should always speak in a small voice when speaking to dominants." Considering this was written in a forum, I'm not sure how one is supposed to type in a small voice. I don't really know what a "small voice" is, and the commenter wasn't inclined to tell me even though I asked.

But, there are a number of different types of submissive speech, or weird things subs are supposedly supposed to do when talking, several of which are only usable in written communication anyway, so I am not entirely sure why they are the benchmark of trueness. There are three major kinds of speech affectations I've seen in the context of BDSM; arbitrary capitalization, slashy speak, and what is commonly called slave speech.

1. Capitalization of Dominant-Associated Words

This is probably the most common and widely used of the three different speech quirks. It's also the one people find least offensive. People capitalize words like Dominant or Master, or the pronouns associated with d-types. I don't personally engage in it. It bugs my inner grammar Nazi.

I admittedly mercilessly judge someone who capitalizes their own personal pronouns, as many dominants do. I just find it silly and a little pretentious. I ARE AWSUM! BEHOLD MY CAPITAL LETTERSSS!!

The inspiration for this topic was some truebie idiot who decided to resurrect a discussion on third person speech protocols to insist that all s-types should refer to their masters with capital letters and themselves only in lowercase and that this was "BDSM 101." Um...yeah, I'm pretty sure my primary education in BDSM did not cover random online speech protocols. No one can tell when I talk out loud if I'm speaking with capital letters. BDSM 101, my lily white ass.

The most bizarre version of this that I've seen are those who write dominant-associated words in all caps. As in: "My MASTER told me that HE was going to talk to other DOMINANTS at the party." However, it is absolutely fucking hilarious to read posts like that out loud as if this person is randomly shouting mid-sentence, because that's what it sounds like in my head.

2. Slashy Speak

This random capitalization thing gave birth to the dreaded "slashy speak," which is viewed with a fair bit of annoyance by most of the people I see online. It's basically an attempt to address a group of people or refer to a group of people on both sides of the slash while maintaining the capitalization thing. Such as:

"W/we are happy that Y/you A/all could come to O/our house." 

Now, I read this as if the person typing is stuttering the whole way through the sentence, because how else would that translate to audible speech? I find it fairly annoying to read. I mean, at least the random all caps can be funny. It's like reading the infamous "Slutty Fuck Bimbo Whore Doll"  speech in the manner of "Whacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man," or reading any number of the 128 Basic Rules for the Female Slave out loud.

Slashy speak just looks like stuttering in print.  Even worse than slashy speak is slashless slashy speak, where they just nix the slash all together a la:

"Wwe are happy that Yyou Aall could come to Oour house." 

I can deal with slash speak far easier than slashless slashy speak. The latter just screams lazy to me. Which is kind of sad, since you have to put in the extra effort to type the unnecessary extra letter in the first place. Why not the slash?

This used to be a more prevalent practice a few years ago, but lately I haven't witnessed it as much. Or the places I frequent tend to frown upon it, so fewer people do it in those places. Or perhaps I've developed blinders to it and I just automatically skip over posts that use it. However, it seems to me like the popularity of slashy speak has dropped off a bit.

3. Slave Speak (Third Person Speech)

This one is probably the most contentious of the three. Some people really seem to have a hang up about this one, one way or the other. The truest of the true do it, apparently, and everyone else is annoyed by it. I think much of the annoyance comes from the lack of skill people demonstrate with this mode of speech. They can't write in a way that makes themselves clear, so things become murky to understand. There's a jumble of pronouns and it's not always clear when the speaker is referring to his or herself and not others.

I've only encountered a few people who could pull it off well, but one of them tends to do it while basically describing how everyone else's slavery is pillow princess slavery compared to hers because of all the degrading and disgusting things she does at her master's behest. The superiority complex couched in a literary affectation supposedly meant to evoke humility kind of detracts from the whole point of it.

The most common reasons I see for the use of it are that the d-type requires it of the slave to evoke humility or take away from one's sense of self, to take the focus off the slave, or to emphasize their status as property, or for objectification. I can kind of see the objectification aspect, but when the protocol is employed outside of the relationship, I think it actually attracts more attention to the slave who uses it. It's definitely a bit of an attention grabber when an unowned person does it for no reason at all besides they think they're supposed to or they think it makes them look more submissive.

I notice the practice tends to be popular among the Gorean crowd, as well as a bone of contention. I know I've seen an argument about whether slave speak was used in the books.

My roommate, who used to take part in a few online Gorean communities told me this when we were discussing the issue earlier:

"I've not read enough of them [the books] to know, but I do know some of the most adamant Goreans blieve that a slave doesn't have a name unless given one and that they're only allowed to use it when referring to themselves as 'name, so and so's property.' The rest of the time they're limited to third person or just simply not referring to themselves at all, as doing so implies importance or some such." 

Now, I have read perhaps 7 of the books, and slave's names are used quite often when they speak. When told to ask for something "as a slave" they would switch from "I would like..." to "Vella [or whatever name you please] would like..." and the slaves would often refer to each other by their names instead of using second person or first person. So I'm not sure how the name thing works in that community. It's not something I've spent any time in.

As for myself, I have never had a speech protocol of any kind, let alone third person. However, I have used it. My roommate and I will often do it with each other because we like to play with language.

Daddy actually talks to me and refers to both himself and me in the third person a lot. I typically respond in kind, but it's not something I do unless he initiates it, and I never do it on a public forum. He just thinks it's cute and it's never consistent. We will cover first, second, and third person throughout a conversation. He actually hates the use of "this girl" or "this slave." He finds it irritating, but he constantly refers to me as Rabbit in the third person.

I dunno. It feels like more of a personal protocol to me, one meant for interactions between the people in the relationship rather than with outside parties. I think the capitals are better suited for that as well, especially on the dom's part. Because I seriously roll my eyes every time I see a d-type capitalize the word "my" in the middle of sentence. It's not really something I have any desire to do. I just kind of wish people were a bit better at it so shit would be easier to read.

You don't have to do any of them to be a twue submittive/swabe. Most of the slaves I know actually don't.

Okay, well, some of them do the caps thing, but typically only when referring to their owners.

What do you think? Do you practice any of these? Have you ever used "slave speak?"