Monday, August 18, 2014

Thought Crimes: Exploring Boundaries in LDRs

One of the big questions of a long distance relationship is how you discover limits and boundaries when you never see each other in the flesh. Physically, that's admittedly hard to ascertain, but recently, I've been thinking more about behavioral boundaries than anything.

Finding these is difficult, as you're far away and body language isn't there for you to read, and sometimes not even tone.  You never really know how they're going to react to something, and some stuff doesn't even come up if you're not in the physical.

Now, I've been a writer for most of my life. When I was 16, I started writing in online role play groups on MySpace. I was a multiparagraph roleplayer. I didn't do none of that one liner bullshit. These were some of my favorite experiences as a teen, writing these epic interactive stories with other people across the world. It was through this that I met my owner. Before I knew the actual him and not just the plethora of characters he played, all I had to go on was his writing. And, seriously, what that man can do with words is simply amazing. It can be intimidating at times to write with him like that.

But my point is, before sex was sex to me, sex only existed in the form of words for me. I've never been much one for porn, but I can read romance novels all damn day. Sex expressed in the right words can be more arousing than the act itself. I'm an unabashed language whore, which is part of the reason I find all the crass terminology used in porn to be an intense turn off.

Coming into the lifestyle with this background in literary roleplay, my idea of sexting is decidedly more elaborate than the crap I see touted in women's magazines as sexting. I suppose you might call it cybering over the phone, except no internet involved. This is something Daddy and I do a lot. We text actions at each other as if we are actually doing them.

And, oddly enough, it's a pretty efficient way to test certain boundaries, mostly on my end. Actions are often viewed through the lens of intention and that can alter the consequences. In this space where words are all you have, all you have is intent. It's a little bizarre to get into trouble for pure intention. Sometimes it's hard for me to not go "well, I didn't actually do it, I just thought it."

But in that moment, except with things that are obviously outlandish and not possible in actual reality, if you say it, then chances are, you fully intended to do it. So, why shouldn't you get in trouble for a premeditated infraction even if you can't physically commit the act?

Of course, I still think it's bullshit to go "It's okay." and then follow it up with "but you're in trouble anyway." Grumble.

But, bullshit aside, LDRs have this unfortunate quality of containing an ungodly amount of thought experiments. I think a lot of the derision people have toward the LDR is because of this existing in a world of hypotheticals. A lot of people don't like what ifs. They refuse to play that game. Right now, all I have are what ifs, but I think they're approached as practically as can be expected, and I think it adds an element of closeness that you might not otherwise get at a distance.

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