Monday, June 16, 2014

Wicked Wednesday: All Alone in My Own Little Chair

YKINMK is one of the many acronym-based mantras of the lifestyle. It's not one that I use. I've never been one to express my kink in the form of philosophies based in acronyms. I also tend to have a more cynical view on the issue. I don't feel it's so much promoting tolerance of other kinks, or encouraging lack of judgement. I think it's more discouraging the expression of those judgments.

Because, face it, we all have shit we think is wrong or gross and can't fathom why anyone would want to do that. Or things that make us uncomfortable that we don't want to be around.

And, sometimes it's just hard being surrounded by something you're not into and can't relate to. How do you insert yourself in a conversation when the topic is something your brain can't even compute? It's not even necessarily possessing a fringe kink that causes this problem.

For instance, I'm monogamous. A pretty fair portion of the people I know in the lifestyle are poly. Poly has never been something that my brain has been able to wrap itself around. I'm hardwired for monogamy. I never quite know how to respond to relationship questions about poly. Or just general conversation. The more partners I see a friend get, the more I think "God, that sounds exhausting." Even just two people sounds exhausting to me, but I'm kind of clingy and very focused on one person at a time. Trying to keep up with more than one would break my brain.

The Martyr of Love. P.A.A. Leroy
found on

Strangely enough, I also feel isolated in YKINMK land in the practice of M/s. Now, on Fet, I have many M/s friends--the result of hanging out in M/s forums. In the local scene, however, M/s is not the most common dynamic. Consent and safety are big, big things in the local scene, so it's hard to bring up topics like consensual non-consent (CNC) as a relationship rather than a singular encounter, or not using a safe word, or not having limits. Or even just not having the ability to make something a limit just because you don't particularly care for it.

Or the biggy, not being able to say no (refusal, not literally the word "no").

But then again, I don't always fit in with the M/s crowd either, because I do have some imposed limits and a lot of M/s couples don't. I also feel nervous about attending M/s specific events because I'm extremely low protocol. I have this image of walking into the room and everybody expecting me to toss around honorifics like candy and fetch people drinks, or ask permission to say hi to the naked lady in the corner. Although, I probably wouldn't say hi to the naked lady in the corner because her nakedness would be all of the distracting.

An Arabian Nights Illustration  by
Rene Bull, found on

I'm not a formal person. I don't stand on ceremony. When I see descriptions from M/s couples that mention how they've been in the lifestyle since the flood or how they have all this training in vague areas, or areas so broad, you have no idea what that could possibly mean in reality.

For instance, statements like these (which I bring up because they were mentioned in an ad about a local MaST [well, it's MAsT, but my OCD wants the conjunction to be lowercased because grammar] chapter):

"She has received extensive training in legacy, service, and general slave duties."

...what does that even mean? I have no idea what "legacy" is, and I haven't been let in on the secret. I mean, is that some sort of Leather thing I'm completely oblivious to? Also, service is pretty broad. What kind of service? Service to whom? Or are we talking like tea service, or formal dinner service?And what are "general slave duties?"

You know what I've been trained in? Nothing. Unless you count school, work, and general domestic talents cultivated through childhood and adolescence and a lot of fucking google. Oh, and Cake Boss. I figured out how to decorate cakes from Cake Boss and trial and error.

Sugar Skull cake I made for my play partner's
23rd birthday. 

But training is not really my kink. I'm not even sure what training is supposed to look like. I see training as an extremely formalized routine developed to yield a specific result. Not something I've really done.

Also this one:

"At MaST events, she will be the slave clad in Smoke and Sky."

I...I have no idea what that means. Does that means she's gonna wear black and blue? Or is that some hifalutin talk for naked? Seriously? Does it mean naked? If so, why not just say naked? 'Cause I've kind of got the image of black and blue chiffon in my head, or maybe cigarette smoke.

Me no gets. Exprain prease.

I get excessively intimidated by shit like this, because I know protocol is a fairly common kink in the power exchange community. But it's not my kink. Although, I think this is often the one kink people expect you to participate in while in public whether you're into it or not.

I make a conscious effort to stay away from high protocol events, because it's just not my thing and I can't really hide my annoyance or bring myself to participate in it. It does all sorts of weird shit to my brain. Makes me extremely uncomfortable  and nervous because it doesn't feel natural to me.

So, I'm wary of M/s specific events, because that kink is not my kink, and people don't always agree that that's okay.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked


  1. I get what you say, that we all have things that we don't like and that we have an opinion about. I am no different, but I always try to keep my opinion to myself, to just respect that other people can like other things than I do. And, when I am asked direct questions about kinks that are not my kinks, I just tell them that I am not into it. And then I expect them to respect the fact that it's not my kink, like I respect the fact that it is their kink. I have never been to specific events, except for two munches, but I think I too would feel uncomfortable going there, wondering if I will be accepted. But then again, I would not know if I don't try, right?

    Thanks for a very honest post :)

    Rebel xox

    1. I certainly do a lot of biting my tongue about certain things. People say they want to hear your opinions, but usually only if your opinions agree with theirs. I have to walk away from certain topics rather than saying what I want to say and alienating myself from my community.

      Thanks for the comment. :)

  2. My partner and myself don't have protocols or rituals in our relationship/play we do what feels right for us at the time, however, if others wish to incorporate these then "carry one"! Neither do we do "social" events, not our thing, but if others like them great!

    To me it comes down to the individual/couple/group to do whatever suits them. If I don't like it, fine, I don't do it/watch it/participate, but, don't try and force/persuade me unless it is something that sparks an interest as I will tell you exactly where to go!!

    I love the honesty of your post, thank you for sharing.

    ~Mia~ xx

    1. One thing I encountered when I first got into the local community was the pressure to try poly when I said I was mono. There were a couple people who kept trying to find hypothetical circumstances where I would agree to a poly relationship (although not necessarily with them). They also seemed to have this need to convince my I was really bisexual and just not admitting it to myself. I found that kind of pushiness excessively annoying.

      I'm not great at confrontation though, so I never really stood up and told them to cut it the fuck out though.

  3. I just have to say, I couldn't help laughing at your "before the flood" statement. I might still be giggling...

    1. Well, when you lead off with "I have 57 years of experience in SDBM. I was raised a dom from the moment I were born, yo," I kind of don't believe your face anymore. lol