Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I HAVE DA POWUH!



Well, no, no I don't.

There is always this question of who truly has the power in power exchange relationships. Most people like to say the s-type, because safe word. In a relationship that hinges on consent, the ability to withdraw that consent is a powerful thing. The problem is, that argument is ridiculously one-sided. Consent is not one-sided.

It takes two to tango, bitches.

I takes two to consent too.

So, if we're usin' logic here, if the s-type can withdraw consent, then so can the dominant. If the s-type can stop everything with the magic safe word, then the d-type can too. Except, the d-type doesn't necessarily need to safe word. They can just, ya know, stop. If the s-type can leave, so can the d-type.

I'm not sure who they are, but I found this to
be a rather intense image.

Power is not that simple. People often use the term power interchangeably with authority and control. While power can include these things, it isn't just these things. It isn't just the ability to withdraw consent or the ability to leave. And there are slaves who give up their rights to such "powers" as leaving or revoking consent. They give up their rights to limits. They give up their rights to a safe word. Whether you choose to believe that can be done or whether you think that's ethical or not, people do it.

Now, as I have mentioned before, I do have limits. They mesh really well with Daddy's, so many of them are completely moot and might as well not be on the list at all. I retain the right to walk away from the relationship. I am permitted a safe word, although I don't really use one or think to use one. I tend to fall in the more "extreme" end of the spectrum than Daddy, so those were not types of power he had the desire to take from me.

But that is not power to me.

In order for that supposed power to be real, I would have to be willing to use that power. I would have to be willing to leave. I would have to be willing to tap out. I would have to be willing to say no.

The power he has is in his ability to influence me. It's in my attachment to him. My desire to please him. My abject fear of displeasing him. My inability to perceive whether his attachment to me remotely matches my attachment to him. I know he loves me, but, while I know precisely how deeply I feel, I can't possibly know how deeply he feels. I can't possibly know if he would be as devastated if I left as I would be if he left.

Power is his ability to make me consider doing things to which I would have once said "fuck you" in response. It's making me willing to try new foods when I'm one of the most picky people ever.

For me, it's in the fact that he's physically strong enough to force an issue if he wants. That is a different type of power than the what I described above, but it's still a kind of power. It's in the fact that having a safe word means fuck all unless he is willing to honor that. The d-type has to make that choice to stop.



For get the ethics. Forget the cult of safety with its acronyms like SSC, its limits, its safe words, its contracts, its safe calls, its consent. They mean nothing unless your partner chooses to honor those things. When you're in that vulnerable position, whether it be stripped or bound, or you are financially dependent on your d-type. You live in their house. They buy your food. They pay for your insurance. You're alone in a room, tied to a bed, naked and exposed.

All of your rights, your supposed power, mean absolutely nothing in that moment, because you are helpless. You are not in control. You have no power. Everything hinges on them honoring those rights.

Sure, if they don't honor those things, you could get up and leave the next day. Maybe, if they let you. But does that action mean you have the power or had the power?


This power people say the s-type has is based totally upon the ideas of fairness and equality, but this is not a perfect world. Fairness and equality aren't guaranteed ideals. Individuals have different codes of ethics.

Once I have placed myself in that vulnerable position --- physically, emotionally, economically --- my supposed power is theoretical at best.

So, do I, the slave, have all the power?

No. No, I don't. Nor do I want to.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

A Wild Service Top Appeared!

When I first started participating in my local BDSM community, I was already with a dom. He really had no interest in attending parties with me, or participating in any way. He also didn't want me bottoming at parties (despite rarely ever wanting to top me himself), so there was little for me to do besides sit around and watch. Eventually, I made the arrangement with him that I could top at parties.

I can't really say than anyone in particular taught me the skill. I've always been a fairly quick learner and very visual when it comes to learning. I can generally figure something out by watching. I had a play experience prior to being with my ex with a couple of talented floggers, so I had the tactile experience as well. The way I learned to top was simply watching what others did and combining it with what I enjoyed as a bottom. I took to service topping other female subs at parties and found I was a fair hand at flogging.

My favorite floggers in action. My mini cats. 

I am admittedly a bit limited as a service top. My ex preferred that I only top women, and Daddy doesn't let me play with men in any capacity either. Although, I did top a few guys in between the two relationships. I have an overall preference for sensation and impact play and generally combine the two within a single scene. However, for those that seek a more sexual style of play, I am not a good option for, because I prefer to keep my play as non-sexual as possible. I kind of look at it as a rather elaborate alternative massage. I typically concentrate on the back. I rarely ever do any sort of breast play. I have  a few times in the past, but not while in a relationship. I also don't like to overstep my bounds if the s-type belongs to someone.

I also tend to be less comfortable when topping pain sluts because I'm not a sadist. I am more hesitant to go hard because of my own preferences, so I tend to check in with bottom if I feel like I'm going a little hard for my tastes to make sure they're good with it. My primary play partner is a bit of a pain slut, but, like me, she tends to be a bit quiet under the lash so I don't always get a lot of feedback. One of the guys I topped was a very heavy bottom, and one time I had to quit because I was using his PVC flogger and I ended up breaking the skin. He was a little sad I stopped, but I don't do blood.

Ice guitar. 

One thing I always like to incorporate when I top is music. I find having a rhythm to follow makes it more interesting and I always tend to flog to the beat. It feels like a kind of dance to me and I often move around to the music and change things up with each section. Music also helps the bottom focus and helps both me and the bottom ignore the other people in the room.

Making a playlist can also help you time things. I made a playlist for the scene I did last night and when I got to the last song, I was done. I tried to arrange the music in a way where it started off a bit slower and built into the heaver play and eased back down. It's a good way to set the mood with little effort.

This is the play list I used last night.

Snow White Queen - Evanescence
Down With the Sickness - Disturbed
Bodies - Drowning Pool
Indestructible - Disturbed
Voodoo - Godsmack

I did have two more songs on the play list, but I skipped over them because my big flogger is too heavy for me and my arm was tiring out. Which is something else I recommend any top think about. The flogger has to match the top. I need shorter lighter floggers, because I'm a small person (vertically anyway) and my upper body strength isn't particularly impressive. But, in my defense, I bought my toys with their being used on me in mind, and not necessarily using them on others.

My collection of toys. I left out a few bondage
pieces, but these are all the impact and
sensation pieces are there. 

My favorite floggers are my two mini cat-o-nines. I bought one at the state fair, believe it or not, for a whopping $3. My play partner bought the second one, and later gave it to me, since I was the only one who used it anyway, and generally on her. They weigh almost nothing, so I find it easy to Florentine with them. I can't say if I can do it with longer or heavier floggers, because I've never had a pair of matched floggers of a size that matched me. I would like to try if I could get my hands on another pair of twins.

I like to pepper in some sensation play between impact sections. I rub the bottom's back, and often use my nails to either tickle or scratch, depending on the sensitivity of their skin. I have a small leather paddle with a furred side I'll rub their back down with. Those nifty little microfiber car wash mits also work good for rub downs. As a painter, I like to brush over my hands with my softer-bristled paintbrushes, so I incorporated a large paintbrush into my toy bag.

Glass pebbles are also great. I love smooth textures, and they are perfect for temperature play as well. And, boy, are they cheap. I also use a pair of shooter marbles for massage.

These are my glass pebbles. Re-purposed after I stopped
 keeping fish. Properly sanitized, of course. 

Now, service topping for me was a skill I cultivated to give me something to do at parties. It's not something I have any particular need for. I'm not a sadist and I'm not a dominant. Because of this, I do not consider myself a switch. I do what I do as a service to the bottom I'm playing with, so they technically have run of the show. I mostly do my thing, but if they want something specific, I'll do that, or I will alter what I'm doing if the bottom asks. That means it's a totally different experience than if your top is a sadist, a dominant, or both. As I mentioned earlier, for me, it's like being a specialty masseuse.

Bamboo back scratcher with massage wheels. 

I have never topped my own master, and it's not something I have any interest in, but I would do it if asked. I have taught others how to service top, who then topped their dominants, but it's not something I've done myself. I mostly top other submissives, or sometimes switches.

While it's not something that I personally derive much pleasure from, I do gain a lot of satisfaction from having the skill and the ability to teach it to newer people. I've never been much of a teacher of anything, but for some reason I'm decent at teaching someone how to flog.

Although, admittedly, I've found other submissives a bit more receptive to the instruction than dominants. Of course, I don't know if that's because the dominants were more stubborn, or they had problems learning from an s-type, or if they were all just big show offs that forgot everything I said once they got an audience.

The world may never know. :P

Friday, May 16, 2014

Slave Mythology: Limb Lopping 101: Limits vs. Limitations and Not Submitting to Twatwaffles

In the nearly 4 years that I've been on Fet, one of the most common conflicts is about limits, whether slaves can have them, and whether the no-limits slave exists. The main source of this conflict seems to be the lack of common definition of what the term "limits" means. Although, I'm sure you could make the argument that most conflicts on Fet are a result of conflicting definitions of the same term.

I <3 Photoshop. 

Those who claim to be no-limits slaves (well, most of them) appear to make the distinction between imposed limits and human physical and mental limitations. Those who claim all people have limits generally do not.

For the purposes of this writing, an imposed limit is defined as something one might be physically or mentally capable of doing or enduring, but dislikes it or fears it to the point of being unwilling to do so. A limitation is something one is either physically or mentally incapable of doing or enduring.

Now, I am not what anyone would consider a no-limits slave. I am permitted limits and do have them. However, I have generally been in the camp of limits and limitations being covered under the same umbrella. I have rarely made the distinction between imposed limits and human limitations, mainly because most of my limits are psychological limitations.

But I can sympathize with those who do identify as no-limits slave when the ever-popular straw man arguments start coming out. The most popular by far is limb lopping. It never fails that in a limits discussion, that someone on the "all people have limits" side brings up amputation as proof that everyone does indeed have limits.

Okay, technically, if they are defining limits and limitations as a single entity, that is true. All people do have limitations of some sort. But, seriously, who the hell is going to become the slave of a person who wants to chop your arms off?

Hey, Babe, wanna be my slave?

-whispers- Psst! By the way, making limb lopping a limit isn't actually going to save you from getting your arm chopped off if that person is psycho enough to try it in a non-emergency situation. It's kind of like that criminals don't give a shit about gun laws thing. Psychos tend to not give a shit whether or not you have it on a limit list.

Even as a person with limits, I've never felt the need to make death and dismemberment part of my blacklist. If I felt that either of those things even needed stating, chances are, I'm not going to get to the point of a relationship with a man. Logic would also dictate that a master generally doesn't want to kill his slave, ya know? I mean, then you have a body to dispose of, those pesky potential murder charges, your house is dirty, there's no one to fetch your drink anymore, and, damn, now you gotta find a new one. Killing and maiming just isn't worth that little spark of psychotic sadism.

The process of getting to M/s and no-limits M/s is generally fairly involved. It's not instant potatoes and Easy Mac. There's usually a lengthy period of getting to know one's partner and ascertaining compatibility before that kind of control is exercised. I'm friends with a number of no-limits slaves on Fetlife and none of them ever said they were no-limits at the beginning of a relationship nor have they ever advised a noob to be so.


When shit's done smart, people actually figure out who they are getting into relationships with. And in some cases, people get to the point where imposed limits are not something they find necessary, either because they share the same limits with their masters, or they simply choose not to impose them. One would hope they haven't picked a nutbag.

So, if you acquire that look of indignant horror or snide condescension when someone says they are a no-limits slave, you should probably contemplate how you and they are defining the word "limits" before you decide to be an ass hat and threaten to cut off their nipple (Someone actually admitted to doing this while holding a knife to a chick's tit. Assault much?) or imply that they are mythological ponycorns living in the organ-harvesting caves of Candy Mountain.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Toy With Me Tuesday: The Lone Warrior


The Lone Warrior, standing tall against the might of the dreaded dragon! He is one with his sword!




Toy with me Tuesday

Friday, May 9, 2014

Dear Diary, I Had No Idea I Was So Boring: Submissive Journaling

Journals and diaries were always super popular when I was a kid. They were always coming out with all these gimmicky journals like the Password Journal, or ones with locks you could easily pick with a paperclip or a pencil, or the ones with the decorated padlocks. Of course, the padlocks are pointless because I swear every diary padlock ever made is keyed the same. I had a few lockable ones. I have a vague memory of having one with a password function, but it may have been a friend's and I just remember playing with the password bit because it was weird.

But, despite being in love with beautiful journals, I've never been good at journaling. All of my journals are full of stories or bits of stories and waiting for those stories to be continued. The thing is, I can invent other people's lives all day long, but I find writing about my own in a book that only I'm going to read to be incredibly boring. One would think that being into weird shit would mean you wouldn't find yourself so boring, but I basically don't have the ability to write to myself. I've been irrevocably trained to write everything with an external reader in mind. I would try as a kid to start a journal, but I would get maybe a few days in and get bored and give up. Even those I would write as if I expected someone to find it one day and read my drivel about how much I hated my mom that day.

Ah, the ridiculousness of childbrain.



Getting into the online BDSM arena, I noticed that journaling is also super popular here. Subby journal things everywheres! Out of the three d-types I've had, the only one that asked me to do a journal, was the second dynamic, a temporary, non-sexual dynamic I had with a couple of friends to tide me over while I searched for an actual partner. They wanted one every day, which was incredibly difficult. I was in college and my day consisted of class, homework, and fetlife. Without any sort of direction, it became a tedious task. So eventually I was given prompts, but that too became tedious because I would get angry at the prompt, although, I suppose that resentment was compounded by my irritation at a few rules that fucked with some psychological issues of mine.

My first dom didn't require journaling. After the first few months, he barely paid attention to me as it was, so I don't think he would have a read a journal even if I had done one. Daddy has never required any submissive to journal for him. It's never been something he's been interested in.

This blog is probably the closest thing I've got to a journal. Although, I wouldn't call it a journal, since I basically just find random things to talk about that interest me. I'm fairly certain that Daddy does not read this blog. He's never said anything to indicate that he does. He watches my dance videos as I post them, but given his injury, I'm fairly certain he doesn't spend much time online at all.

The fact that it looks Moroccan makes it
awesome.

This is the closest thing I have to a physical journal. It was a birthday gift from a friend in college. It's not really a journal per se. It's the  book in which I keep things pertaining to my relationship because I'm a fan of reference material. I keep my rules in it. I keep a list of my limits in it. I keep his preferences in it and other little things like that. The trick is, it is for me, for my obsessive compulsive need to know exactly what I'm doing and be able to double and triple check.

I write it in IPA (International Phonetic Alphabet) so most people won't be able to read it. I learned it while studying linguistics in college. Writing this journal/reference/book thing in IPA insures a higher degree of privacy and it keeps my skills sharp. I also write in it at work when it's slow and I'm bored and want to work on posts or stories. There are at least 3 cameras in the room where I work, so writing in it makes sure no one can read it and bitch at me.


While I don't personally do submissive journaling in the traditional context, it is something I have recommended to others. I recommend it to any couple that has communication problems, especially newer D/s couples. I understand how hard saying things actually is. I have a hard time expressing myself out loud, because I'm extremely sensitive to body language, facial expressions, and non-verbal cues. A lot of times, I ask important questions of him in a text rather than when we talk on the phone. I find it easier than saying it out loud.

And that's something a journal is perfect for, being able to express oneself without dealing with all the immediate feedback. It's also good to be used as a safe space to say what you want without fear of retribution. I typically recommend it to newer couples because a lot of the time, they haven't been able to fully determine what they want out of the relationship and what they want from their partner. The journal is good for that, because it cuts down on awkward conversation and gives each person the time to process and think about what they want to say.

One thing I will say is that every day journals is probably too much. I found that requirement to be frustrating personally. And one girl I recommended it to complained about not having time for a daily. I totally get that. I'd say weekly is probably a better idea. You don't run out of shit to say as fast. Some days there is just nothing to say. I don't sit around and meditate on submission every day. Less frequency also keeps everyone from getting bored with the whole institution.

If you're looking for a more guided approach, Submissive Journal Prompts is a good place to start.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Slave Mythology: Bad Slave! No Cookie!: Punishment Dynamics

Soooooo, Punishment. It's a thing. It's one of those topics I expect to see numerous posts on in Fetlandia, but I always dread them. Half the time, they consist of "tell me/my owner how to punish my s-type/me!" The other half are perfectly legitimate questions, but half the responses are lectures about how not everyone does punishment, or useless responses of "we don't do punishment," or, the most irritating, "we don't do punishment. We prefer communication because we're adults." 


I really don't understand the abject disdain some people have for punishment dynamics. I mean, it's okay if it's not your thing, but do you really have to be a complete asshole about it? I can only assume people have had bad experiences with it that soured it for them. I've had my own share of bad experiences, but, for me, it's still an integral part of an M/s dynamic for me. I require that as a feature. It's just how I roll. 

So, let me dispel a few arguments here. Warning, ranty times ahead...

Asinine Statement #1

I'm an adult. I don't need punishment. We discuss it like adults.
Thank you, inconsiderate bitchface, for just implying that those who participate in such dynamics are somehow childish and less of an adult.

This is simply idiotic. Just because one chooses to have a consequence system set up for their D/s or M/s interaction doesn't make them somehow more immature. I mean, you're in a punishment dynamic with your local law enforcement. You fuck up, and they're going to fine you, put you in jail, or a number of other delightful things that constitutes punishment. Does this make you childish? I don't think so. It's a dynamic that people want to have. If it works for them, great! It doesn't make them not adults.

The strangest thing is, I've seen this one lobbed at "funishment" recently. Now, I think the word "funishment" is incredibly stupid and it doesn't really sound sexy to me, but I found the "I don't do funishment. I'm enough an adult that if I can ask for a flogging if I want one." Um...okay, while I'm annoyed by the half cocked arguments against punishment, going after a type of play like that is kind of weird? You're disdainful of a game?Why? What's the point in that? Unless you have a raging hate on for brats and brat play and consider funishment a brat thing. 

Idiotic Statement #2
 We don't do punishment. We discuss things. We communicate instead of just punishing.
Well, no shit, Sherlock. Where the fuck did you get the idea that punishment precludes communication? Do you have this image in your head?

S-type: -does something stupid-
D-type: Bitch! -spanks s-type's ass-
S-type: -cries and goes about being all slaverly-

Punishment is a tool used to enhance communication. It does not take the place of it. If communication weren't an inherent part of the punishment dynamic, punishment would be pointless. Think of it like a punctuation mark. It doesn't prevent one from discussing the problem and how to fix it, but it does (well, a lot of the time) put an end to the issue.

Those of us who do punishment still talk about what error was made and how to correct it. Punishment is just part of the process. Many arguments are that it's terrible for behavior modification. But it's not the punishment that changes the behavior. Sure, it provides incentive, but it can't change behavior by itself. But neither can talking. The changing of the behavior is ultimately the responsibility of the s-type. Without the desire to change the behavior, no external force is going to fix that. Discussion, punishment, and reward. They're all external motivations. Which ones inspire the internal motivation to improve varies by person. 

Obnoxious Assumption #3
Physical punishments do not work on masochists.
What?

No, seriously. What? Where do people get the idea that masochism equals the love of all pain? Being a masochist doesn't mean you're going to get a (lady) boner from slamming your hand in a door, breaking a leg, or childbirth. NOT ALL PAIN IS SEXY.

I'm a masochist, but you know what? I hate canes. FUCKING LOATHE THEM. Studded belts put me in a homicidal rage. Stubbing my toe? Yeah, doesn't get me wet at all. It makes me say fuck, but it doesn't make me want to fuck.

We may like pain, but that doesn't mean we can't be punished with it. Punishment pain is a damn sight different than pleasurable pain.

/ranty times

Your reward for sitting through the ranty times. Have a
Fairy Bunny. 

Regardless of type of dynamic I've been a part of, punishment has always been a given. It was part and parcel of the whole power exchange package. It never really occurred to me that it could be otherwise. It's like blow jobs. I hate blow jobs, but blow jobs are part of the whole slave thing. The chances of meeting a man who doesn't like blow jobs is abysmally small. :D

Now, I could do without blow jobs. I'd be super happy if he told me I never had to do that again. However, punishment is an institution of which I'm rather fond. Sure, it sucks, but despite being a writer, I am very physical when it comes to my interpersonal communication. I like having tangible consequences for things. It makes my brain happy. It gives me a degree of closure that talking alone just doesn't manage. It's a clear sign that the issue has been addressed and forgiven and is now no longer an issue. 

I also like it that the rules are enforced with something more substantial. Without it, it feels like your options are talk or leave. It actually reminds me of a quote from McLintock! by the shopkeeper. McLintock! has always been my favorite John Wayne movie, since I was a little kid. I have a feeling the two spanking scenes had something to do with that. Anyway, towards the end of the movie, after you've spent nearly two hours listening to Katherine be a straight up bitch to GW, Birnbaum (the shopkeeper) drops this little gem:
"My father used to say, if you raise your voice [and] it doesn't do any good, it's time to raise your hand." 
Now, before you get all up in arms about that quote promoting domestic violence or abuse, all he does is spank her, and she chases after him and they live happily ever after. 


This quote resonates with me. As does this one:
"Servants cannot be corrected by mere words; though they understand, they will not respond." - Proverbs 29:19
Not to say that discussion alone doesn't work for others. It does. I just prefer the additional element of punishment. I have a strong desire for force. If my relationship is lacking that element, it doesn't feel like M/s to me. I like that he will backup his words with force. I like the fact that he will make my life suck until I do what I'm told. That's actually one of the rules on the big list. 

"Orders are not negotiable, and failure to comply will be punished. After a punishment is completed, the original order still stands, and will be followed or punishment will continue until it is."

That one gives me the warm fuzzies. It solidifies that feeling of ownership for me. Not only because he can do it, but because he will.

I honestly don't understand the amount of contention the subject of punishment produces. It's a fairly common element among power exchange dynamics. I don't see the need for all the contempt for the practice. It seems like people feel the need to justify their lack of it or something by emphasizing some perceived inferiority. Or maybe it's a part of the whole one twue way bullshit. 

I don't know. But punishment is a thing. It works for some. It doesn't for others. Personally, I'm a fan. It makes my little slave spleen squee with happyface.