Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Entry Level Positions: Dominance is Not a Promotion

Countless newbie doms have popped up with the question of whether they should submit first to learn how to be a better dom. And there are numerous people who say that they should. It is also a common school of thought that a d-type should use all of their toys on themselves before using them on their s-types.

These are not really ideas that I wholeheartedly support, simply because it's one-sided and not really going to teach what it's intended to.  People don't tell s-types that they have to be d-types to learn to be submissive. People don't tell bottoms they need to learn to top first. I think this sort of implies that the s-type role is easier than the d-type one. It's also touted that a d-type who started as an s-type will always be a better d-type.

Source

Allow me to speak from experience here. I've served three men. I've had two owners and one temporary dynamic with a play partner. Both of my owners began as s-types. The play partner was never anything but a dom.

My first owner started as a slave. He was not a good dominant. He had no regard for me at all. He had no real practical skill with impact play. He was very selfish when it came to sex, and he was extremely neglectful and passive aggressive. It later turned out he wasn't so much a dominant as a switch. It seemed that he only wanted to be dominant just so he could get his way on things.

My former play partner was never a sub. He was a bit of a noob when I was playing with him and his girl (non-sexually), but he was still by far a better dom than my first owner, because he actually gave a shit about the bottoms he played with.

Daddy started out as a sub when he was young, simply because that was his introduction to the lifestyle. He was a sub just long enough to realize he was not submissive and he's never submitted since then. He's very focused on the happiness of his partners. He's skilled with several types of play. He's only a sadist insofar as his partner enjoys. Much of his pleasure comes from being able to please his partner as well. I don't necessarily believe that this is a result of his once submitting to a woman. That's just his personality.

I've been an s-type my entire stint in the lifestyle. I feel no more equipped to be a dominant than I did before because I'm not dominant. I don't think that a dominant will get the full effect of submission if they are not submissive in some way or enjoy the act of submitting. I don't think a sadist is going to truly understand what a masochist feels when they are hit with a certain thing unless the sadist is also a masochist. Knowing the superficial basic sensation of at thing is not the same as the sensation felt by a person who gains pleasure from it. And not all masochists like the same sensations.

For instance, I hate canes. All canes can go die in a fire. Other people love canes. I love belts. Other people are terrified of belts.

Seriously, fuck these and whoever made them. :P

Submitting hasn't taught me how to dominate. It's taught me how I want to be dominated. Bottoming has given me some insight into topping, but it's insight into what I like as a bottom. Which is how I top. I top the way I would like it. I'm not a very good top for pain sluts, because I'm not a sadist.

I don't think it's good to tell every noob they should be a sub first. I feel it's a teensy bit condescending to s-types and it's not guaranteed to provide the type of knowledge people say it does. Everyone has a different learning style. Submitting first could help some people, and do nothing for others. It could also make someone a worse dom depending on how they process the experience.



I understand that some communities have a protocol of "starting from the bottom" and if that's the route you want to go, go for it. But, I would say, if you are a budding dominant, only try the submitting thing if it's something you want to do and you feel like you would get something out of it. Don't feel pressured into doing something that wouldn't benefit you just because others tell you that's what you have to do in order to be a good dominant. You can learn just as much from other d-types and s-types about dominance without ever submitting to anyone.

Submissive is not an entry level position into the lifestyle. Dominance and submission are two distinct things. You don't have to do one to be the other. Dominant is not a promotion you get when you've mastered submission. Some people are cut out for both. Others will only ever be proficient at one of the two and there's nothing wrong with that, because not everyone enjoys both.

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