Monday, March 31, 2014

Rants with Rabbit: Sexual Preferences Are Not Bigotry

I’m just a teensy bit pissed right now, so this could probably be classified as a rant. One of my biggest pet peeves about the lifestyle is how much people shame others for their sexual preferences in the name of tolerance. It amazes me how many people equate not wanting to date or have sex with someone as being some form of bigot.

So, let me say it right now. You are NOT obligated to be attracted to everyone. You do not have to justify your sexual preferences to anyone. No one should have to justify why they find certain traits attractive or certain traits unattractive. Having those preferences doesn’t make you shallow or a bigot. It’s part of what makes you unique.

Despite my size and the general school of thought that tends to go with people my size, I do not believe that men who are not attracted to me because of my size are shallow. That would be extremely hypocritical of me as I have my own preferences. Not being physically or even emotionally into someone does not make that person shallow. Treating someone like shit because they are not what you find attractive is being shallow.

I also see this line of bullshit that if you aren’t physically attracted to certain races, and choose not to date someone because of that means you’re racist.


1. A belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others.

2. A policy, system of government, etc., based upon or fostering such a doctrine; discrimination.

3. Hatred or intolerance of another race or other races.

Note how none of those are “not wanting to fuck members of a certain race because you aren’t physically attracted to them.” The idea that I’m not allowed to find physical aspects undesirable in a partner just because they happen to be a different race than me baffles me. I happen to be into white men, Middle Eastern men, Hispanic men, Indian men, and Native American men as far as coloring and features go. It just happens to be my thing. I’m not generally attracted to black guys or East Asians. Now, does that mean I’m racist?

No. I don’t hate East Asians or black men. I don’t think they are inferior to me. I don’t refuse to associate with them or think we can’t be friends. I’m just not interested in having sex with people who have certain physical features. For the record, I’m also not into blonde guys, but I’m not magically racist against blonde people.

I’m also straight and not remotely into women, but I’m not sexist either.

Here’s the point in the rant where I express my fierce hatred of the overuse and misuse of the word “phobia.”

Do you know what a phobia is? It’s fear.

Not dislike, not disinterest, not lack of attraction, or disapproval. It’s fucking fear.

That means, my not wanting to fuck you because you possess a trait of some kind that I don’t find attractive or find unattractive enough that I’m not willing to deal with it does not make me a whatever-phobe. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of this trait. It just doesn’t make my panties drop. And personally, I don’t feel obligated to date someone I’m incompatible with just to gain the approval of those people who feel I should be an indiscriminately equal opportunity fuck puppet.

You know what I’m afraid of? Spiders. Not bisexual men or switches. Spiders.

I’m not sexually or romantically interested in bisexual men or switches, but I’m not afraid of them. I’m afraid of spiders. And heights. And social interaction with strangers.

I’m not remotely turned on by guy-on-guy sex or submissive men. I find these traits unattractive, so I have not sought out these traits in a partner. Switches and bisexual men possess a set of desires that I cannot possibly fulfill even if I had the inclination. And, being monogamous, I would not feel comfortable being with them and allowing them to seek out those other desires elsewhere, but neither do I want to prevent them from engaging in those desires period. Therefore, I do not engage with them at all in a romantic or sexual context.

I do not feel bad about that, and I shouldn’t.

And the “what if he’s what you’re into physically and you match perfectly emotionally” question is invalid, because those two classifications are automatic deal-breakers for me, much like non-monogamy in any form.

But guess what? I’m not bigoted against poly people either. I’m just not poly. Who’d’ve thunk it?

My point is, do not allow other people to shame you for your preferences. Having preferences does not make you a bad person. They do not make you shallow, or racist, or phobic, or sexist. You’re allowed to be picky about who you fuck and who you date. I don’t know anyone who isn’t picky about those things. Don’t let people bully you into feeling bad about having preferences. If we all liked the same shit, the world would be awfully boring.

We're different!

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