Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Kink Lit: Fifty Shades of Ugh, You Want How Much For Porn?

So, I took a trip to the local Books-A-Million today in the middle of a quest to find a wireless mouse for my laptop. I went in search of the erotica section, which moves around frequently, I’ve noticed. I rarely ever buy anything, but I like to look at it every now and then.

Before I found it, I ran across a shelf kind of tucked in at the end of the Romance section titled: After Fifty Shades. Containing the urge to vomit, I stop and look. The top shelf of the case is dedicated to copies of 50 Shades, a 50 Shades party game (I don’t even want to know what you do in this game), and some auxiliary volume called Inner Goddess (I think). The last one was bound in black faux leather with metallic red lettering embossed on the cover. I think it was supposed to be a diary or something.

$47.95 at Books-A-Million for a boxed set,

There were about two shelves dedicated to various works by Sylvia Day, and further down was more, but I can’t remember what any of them were. I picked up one of the books reluctantly, as I tend to shy away from things that are being promoted as similar to 50 Shades, although, I know it just means that it’s kinky. Son of a bitch was $14. Paperback. Not even 100 pages. 11-12 point font.


I’ve admittedly never read Fifty Shades of Grey. I’ve heard terrible things about it. I’ve watched numerous comical readings on youtube where they do the cartoon voices, but that’s the extent of the content I’ve heard, aside from various critiques and bitch rants on Fet. Anything that started as Twilight fanfiction and spawned all those free kindle e-books titled Blah Blah Tied Up or Something (My Dom is a Billionaire Volume 3/7), can’t be good. I should probably read them, so I can legit bitch about them, but honestly, the reason I haven’t?

I’m not interested in paying $50 for what I already know are shitty books.

Now, I’m sure those of you who have a beef with Gor and have read my Kink Lit post about it are wondering how I know they’re shitty when I like Gor. Well, there are different types of bad writing and you can get away with certain shit in different genres. At least Gor is meaty, where as a lot of this type of stuff is kind of like eating cotton balls.

Plus, I got 16 Gor books for the same price I would pay for the 50 Shades trilogy. I’m a lot more grouchy if it’s terrible and I paid a fortune for it.

Set of 16 John Norman books I bought from some
dude on ebay for $50.

There is a reason why I don’t read Teen fiction. It’s because they inflate the size of the book and make the font big enough to appease the blindest of bats, and then charge you twice the price of a standard paperback with twice the content. That, and I’ve long since lost interest in stories that take place in high school.

So, perhaps my biggest beef with 50 Shades is that they are marketed like Young Adult Literature. Big, fluffy books with little content for a big price. Because of this, not only are there 50 Shades clones like there were Twilight clones, but they’re all big fluffy books that cost like $16 dollars a pop.

I don’t know if they are good or not, and I suspect I never will, because I’m just not big enough on porn to shell out that much of my measly paycheck for it.

I paid a pretty penny for the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice with the fancy Renaissance painting covers, and I don’t think they are very good either. The main character reminds me a lot of Alice from the Lewis Carroll books and makes me a little head-desky. The lack of thought from the main character bothered me a lot. I had the same problem with Story of O. But, the Beauty books are unabashedly porn, so I can be a little more forgiving. It’s also easier to skip all the YKINMKBOMGE (Your Kink is Not My Kink But OMG Ewww) parts.

I paid somewhere over $40 for this trilogy. Which makes me sad,
because I lent them out and not sure I'll see them again. 

I tend to be a little reluctant to read kink erotica because it’s hard to find something that caters to my specific fetishes. I also lack the voyeurism gene, so I tend to disfavor realistic porn anyway. I have an easier time with stuff written within the context of a fantasy world for some reason. The more couched in reality it is, the more uncomfortable I am. I guess it’s because I have my own views about how the lifestyle works and I want to argue with various authors. Something portrayed as fantasy is easier to digest because I’m working in a different set of parameters within the context of the culture of the book.

The rules are different.

So, I figure, I’d probably dislike 50 Shades even if I did read it because of my lack of interest in porn as a whole. Although, a 21 year old whiny bitch bagging a mid-20s emo billionaire is pretty damned fantastical.

But, I’m cheap, so I’m not going to pay $16 dollars for erotica when I could probably imagine up more entertaining stuff when I’m masturbating.

And it’s free.

Seriously, though, recommend me some good ones and I might change my mind. I just don’t like buying blind and then ending up with bullshit.   

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