Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Intimacy, Aftercare, and Compartmentalization

I have been active in the local scene for roughly 7 years now. I've bottomed and topped. I've been in relationships. A few, anyway. However, typically I've not really bottomed for one of my owners at a party. So, all my play partners at parties have been platonic friendships.

I had to learn years ago to separate masochism from sex. I had a couple partners who only allowed me to play with women, and, being straight, this made it easy to compartmentalize masochism and sex as separate. They're still better together, but I can easily separate the two when necessary.

Aftercare in these situations usually just looks like a quick hug and maybe getting handed a water, and then wandering off. Things like cuddling and such don't really happen. Now, I'm definitely a cuddler. I enjoy that form of intimacy after playing, but it's really only something I've done with my owners. Because in private, the sequence is usually, play-sex-cuddles. That's not a feasible sequence of events for me at a party, especially with play partners.

I have OCD and a decent dose of physical paranoia. Being in the community has helped A LOOOOT with this issue. I no longer have a panic attack when acquaintances hug me, but many forms of what might be considered casual touch are extremely intimate for me. Voluntary physical affection is a huge sign of trust from me and I often express attraction through casual touching, as I generally avoid touching people altogether.

Because of this, cuddling is a rather intimate action for me. And while I would enjoy cuddles and pets after a scene, I wouldn't wish to obligate someone to a degree of intimacy we do not share. And I may not feel comfortable with what I see as very intimate acts either.

Being straight and monogamous has a lot to do with this as well. Most of my play partners have been women, and all of my platonic play partners (at least on the top side), regardless of gender, have been poly. I'm very careful about what degrees of intimacy I allow/request. I don't want to infringe on their relationships and I don't want to compromise my personal convictions.

I think I've confused the occasional top with my lack of need for aftercare. I can't really say I've subspaced more than a couple times in my life, so I don't really enter an altered state when I play. I go deeper with romantic partners because of the emotional connection and the sexual elements, but then I usually get what one might call "aftercare" because those are private situations.

Without that emotional and physical vulnerability, I either can't space or subconsciously won't allow myself to so I don't put myself or someone else in an awkward position. And, I'm sure it's only awkward in my brain, as those I've played with tend to be very affectionate people, but I've always been excruciatingly careful about allowing myself to be vulnerable around others.

In most situations, it's simply something I don't need, or at the very least, have divested myself of the need for it in platonic scening situations. Obviously, more intimate relationships have more of an emotional impact for me, so those can be a bit more complicated depending how deep down the rabbit hole we go.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Who Holds the Power?

This has been a topic I've addressed in the past, and I'm sure I'm going to repeat a few of those points in this post, but it's been a handful of years now, and I feel like writing about it again. There is a prevalent philosophy within the PE (Power Exchange) scene that the sub holds the true power in the relationship. I have never subscribed to this, and I think its detrimental to those who do.

I understand why this is such a popular belief. Submission/surrender is a vulnerable place to be. When you're tied up or at the mercy of someone physically stronger than you, it can be a dangerous place to be. The potential for damage is high, so it makes the s-type feel safer to think that they are somehow running the show.

But I think this idea that the s-type holds all the power comes from a very narrow perspective of what power actually is. Power is more than a yes or a no. It's more than the ability to impose limits. It's more than the ability to walk away. If that is how we measure power, then both parties would possess equal power. A d-type can say yes or no. A d-type can impose limits. A d-type can walk away. These things are not rights exclusive to one side of the slash. Excluding M/s and O/p situations where these rights have been negotiated away, both parties possess these manifestations of power.

But a dominant can't dom without someone to submit to them!
And neither can a submissive submit into a vacuum. There's a reason why the word exchange is part of the terminology. We're trading in types of power. There is never just one. To think that the s-type possesses all the power is very dismissive of the d-type in the equation, and ignorant of the types of power one can hold.

For instance, physical power. You can say no. You can walk away from a relationship, but when you're bound, your power is illusory at best. You're relying on the assumption that the d-type in question will acknowledge your perceived power if you decide to use it. Because they are in a position where they don't actually have to. You are the one in the vulnerable position. In that moment, the power of choice is theirs.

Another example is financial power. I'm not referring to findoms. But say one is in a situation where one partner provides the sole income or the primary income of a household. This can be either the d-type or the s-type, depending on the living situation. In such situations, one partner is dependent on the other for their financial security. That is a form of power. Your options of leaving are rather reduced if you have nowhere to go and no money to do so.

Then we have sexual power, and I don't mean orgasm control or denial, or chastity. That's control. We're talking about power. There are people who elicit certain responses in you. That primal urge. I remember past relationships where I was almost constantly aroused by the mere proximity of my partner. He had that kind of subconscious power over my body, and I don't know that he even realized it. That intense attraction is a form of power. The ability to influence behavior without any real effort.

The most potent, I think, is emotional power. It has a lasting effect, a grip that doesn't let go easily even after a relationship ends. Any relationship can lead to emotional entanglements that rarely leave us. I know my partners all held a certain power over me for a long time after they left. Certainly within the relationship as well. I cannot speak to the power I had over them, but I know what they had over me. My need to please them. My abject fear of upsetting them or making them feel bad in anyway. I thought about them constantly. Longed to be in their presence when we were apart. If that's not power, I don't know what is.

Power is more than just consent. It's more than limits. It's more than the ability to leave. Power is such a complex concept with so many manifestations. I can't conceive of a relationship--a healthy one, at any rate--where one partner holds all of the power. Relationships, kinky or vanilla, aren't one-way streets. There's give and take to everything, and I think that's beautiful.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

The Art of Seduction

A gift I painted for the domly type I'm attempting to seduce. Got to test it out last night too. I think he liked it.

Sinful Sunday

Friday, December 22, 2017

Where's the Line?

So, I slowly seem to be crawling out of this hole I've been languishing in for most of the year. I've started engaging with other humans. I actually go out to events. I even sometimes get out of bed during the day. I've started playing again, and with new people. Still haven't crawled back on the fitness wagon, but baby steps, I suppose.

As a result getting back into playing, my libido has kind of skyrocketed. I tend to be fairly libidinous normally, but not having a real outlet anymore has got me stirred up into a sort of sub frenzy. Not in the same way that you might think of, of just accepting the collar of whatever happens to show up. I'm too OCD for that, but my brain keeps going to what I can and can't do with play partners. Or rather, what I can feasibly do and retain my core values.

I have my codes, and I try to stick with them.

I'm trying to figure out how far I can let myself go with someone who could never be a romantic partner for me and keep my codes. Sex is off the table. I know that much. Sex is too...sticky for me. There are too many emotions wrapped up in that degree of intimacy. I view the joining of two bodies as a sharing of souls, and I inevitably develop more intense feelings for those I give my body to. I can't engage in casual sex for this reason. I find people too addicting, and being monogamous, becoming addicted to humans that belong to others is decidedly dangerous.

I tend to be more comfortable with more intimate play as I get closer to a play partner, but I've never quite gotten to the point where sex toys have come up. Wands, dildos, plugs, and such. Part of me, the frenzied part, I'm sure, really wants to go there. Because those things are always more fun when they're being used on you by someone else. Masturbation is well and good, but when your fantasies all skew in the CNC direction, there's quite a bit lacking there.

As a submissive masochist without having a dominant/sadist half, I've always felt a little selfish about being the one who receives all the sensations. Particularly when I don't reciprocate. I've been assured that toppy types get their unique jollies from stuff, but my brain is like, but I'm getting all the fun stuff. So that becomes another reason I hesitate to bring up more intimate forms of play.

I'm sure my bodily insecurities have more than a little to do with my fear of going there as well. I am also very conscious of the fact that pretty much all of the people I've played with are poly folks in established relationships. I don't want to unintentionally step over the line where that's concerned. But then I find myself hesitant to play with single men unless I find them viable relationship prospects because I don't want to foster emotions that won't come to anything. Also, playing with men that I'm not in a relationship with is new for me.

There's just so much conflict up here in my head about what is okay to ask of another and what is okay to ask of myself, what is okay to offer of myself, without compromising the rules which I have set for myself. How I can indulge in certain fantasies without crossing the line that would wound my soul. And, I suppose part of me is always afraid that people are indulging me rather than actually possessing a desire to do those things with me. I know that's ridiculous and irrational, but I have a lot of brain squirrels up here and they're loud as fuck. I'm bad at humans, okay?

I'm envious of those around me who have already managed to cultivate those play relationships where intense, intimate play isn't something that requires lots of internal deliberation. I hear others talk about the scenes they're planning, and I wish I had that. Or had that again. I had an easy play relationship like that a few times in my past, but they tended to be people I had taught, so scenes were limited in scope and I often did pretty much all of the planning. There's something alluring about experienced d-types. The ability to try new things. Not feeling like I'm directing all of the action, because I really hate controlling all of it.

I think that's why negotiations often amount to "Here's my list of limits. Aside from that, do whatever the fuck you want." I can't say it's the best of strategies, but I get tired of being a teacher. I just want to be able to give up that control. I want to feel that vulnerability that flips so many of my "fuck yes" switches in my brain, and I can't do that when I have to be aware enough to correct technique or know when something's not going right.

Basically, I'm doing better, but I'm still really fucking confused about so many things.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

e[Lust] #101

CandySnatchReview for Elust 101

Photo courtesy of Candysnatch Reviews

Welcome to Elust 101-

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #102 Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!


~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Email from my ex-boy


Two’s Company, Three’s A Crowd


~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Why should we call ourselves sinners?
Repeated Patterns

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Fuck Yourself


*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

The Red Chair ~ A Cuckold’s Story – Part 1
Caught Part 3: the punishment
Get up! Stand up!
Chastity Fiction: Aaron & Melissa

Body Talk and Sexual Health

The 39 Days
Do Not Delete

Thoughts and Advice on Kink & Fetish

Tooth and nail
Event Horizons
Bee’s wax

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Sex Q&A: An Adventure into Ass Play
She was poisoned by your utter indifference.
Orally Ambiguous



Erotic Non-Fiction

Walk in, beat him, leave
What Is My Dream Trying to Tell Me?
Thought of Her
The Biter




Elust 88